ʀᴇᴀʟ ʟɪꜰᴇ

 Marlie here <3 !!

"𝙲𝚊𝚗'𝚝 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚑𝚒𝚝𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚍𝚋𝚢𝚎"

-ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴀʀɪᴀꜱ

OH GOD. 

It's been so long (since last i've seen my son(?)) since last I've wrote here. I have a draft I'll post later when I find images for it---

I need to get this off my chest. I mean, WE LITERALLY WENT ON A DATE, JUST HOW COOL IS THAT????

I'm going to replay it in my head multiple times. 

I don't know if I love him more or less now.

Let's say it's even more complicated than before <//3

Okay, okay, let me start from the begging-

Last week, I asked him if we could meet up because I really wanted to see him and hug him and stuff. And he seemed so- nice-? So interested, gosh it seemed like he actually wanted me-

I felt wanted by him. AND HE TOLD ME WE WOULD GO TO A SUPER ROMANTIC PLACE THAT I LIKE- (njrdsjnhnvjkdcd hehehhe) 

We went to an ex-thater, since now it's a library. A really pretty library. And he seemed so excited... The thing is the day comes and he basically texts me something along the lines of "family medical emergency"

At first I even thought it might be an excuse, because I have the feeling he lies a lot to me. Or at least that's how I felt and I went out with  some friends instead.

I gave him my best wishes to his grandma and her health issue, but I felt my heart shattered inside me.

I hadn't post online for days after cutting and dieing my hair because I wanted him to be the first to see it, but it didn't happen.

I had bought new underwear for god's sakes! (obviously I didn't expect anything to happen, but still-)

Some days later, I text him again, begging to go on with our date on the same day, same time, next week  and he agreeded (kinda) but with a lot less enthusiasm. That genuinly made me feel so sad, I didn't felt wanted anymore, he didn't even confirmed a time or if we were on for Tuesday or anything. I genuinly thought he would just ditch me and I would wait for him outside the library in my best outfit again feeling like shit.

BUT IT DIDN'T HAPPEN THAT WAY HAHAHAHAHHAHA

God, I still can't believe half the things that happened today.

I couldn't sleep, I literally was so nervous and nauseous I couldn't sleep well. I was sleeping two hour naps from five am to one pm

I couldn't tell my dad where I was going otherwise he would scold me, so I had to make it seem like everything was okay even if I wanted to puke all the lunch I was eating (also I couldn't finish my salad because I felt my gagging reflex react)

 I got all dolled up and went out with the excuse of going out to draw (I can't believe that worked)

I was going to see him and everything was going according to plan. When suddenly I get on the second bus to get there and he texts me like "We meet on the door of ___" I and I was like: what.

You see, he told me to meet on a place that was DEFINETELY NOT WHERE WE SAID WE WOULD MEET??!?!?!? 

I swear I could feel my head pounding, my stomach hurting and my world crumbling. What if he wanted me to trvael over there? What if he decided I was not worth the hussle and cancelled again? What if he said he was going home because he went to the wrong place?

I tried to calm down and just answer with "Well, I'm already half way to the place we said" and just like- waited to see what he would say

Surprisingly, he said "ok, in twenty minutes I'll be there, sorry for not remembering the place"

WHAAAAAAT??? HE APOLOGIZED? WHAAAAAAAAAAAT??

Perhaps it was too early to start feeling bad. I mean, I already felt like shit by breaking the rules and lying to my dad, but whatever. I need him. He doesn't need to understand that.

 I wanted to read something I would read, I meant I was at a library after all-

I thought maybe I could keep on reading "YOU" by Caroline Kepnes, since I had seen it earlier when I was passing through the different ailes since it was my first time in the place, but then again it's not a book I'm proud of reading, so I felt ashamed and ended up reading some theatre compilation I found. I usually like reading scripts

This one was so ass...

Anyways, I checked my phone, and the twenty minutes had passed. I wrote back, maybe to remind him I was waiting (It's not the first time he's late)

"If you want, I could just go to the entrance and meet you there, I'm at back in the left reading corner"

And then I like, raised my gaze and there he was in that bright red shirt he later told me was really proud of winning in a contest (so cute <3 I love when he's excited about things that he likes, I like that he has hobbies and that he's passionate about them)

I smiled his way and picked up my things, getting out the reading corner and I wanted to place my book back and stop my music (I was listening to Lover's Rock by TV Girl, and reciting the "how many men have you kissed?" part, I love that part-) And I took my time with the book since I was SO nervous.

I couldn't watch him in the eye, and my nausea was stronger than before, I get like that when I'm nervous and feel like I'm doing something wrong (I this case, being there without anyone knowing, last time I started pulling shit like that I got groomed and raped-)

And once I stopped and my music and put away my headphones in my backpack I realized I was sitting on the floor, and that perhaps I looked cute from his height beign all helpless and flustered on the floor.

I wonder what he was thinking in that moment-

A lot of tarot readers online have told me he likes to fantazise about me, my body and fucking the shit out of me, and maybe I like that idea, but I would preffer him showing affection and love towards me first.

Anyways, I got up and greeted him, and he went in for a hug

I LOVE HUGS I WOULD LIKE TO HUG HIM FOR ETERNITY, JUST PRESSING MY BODY AND MY BRESTS AGAIST HIM GETS ME SO WORKED UP I SWEAR---

ahem, well, we hugged. I was trying hard not to giggle weirdly like I tend to do when i get excited in a weird obssesive way.

and then I think he apologized for going to the wrong place and I assured him everything was okay.

And he gifted me two really yummy candies, I thought that was really sweet-!

Then he asked me what I wanted to read and the thing is... I hadn't thought about something to read- I thought he would pick a book and- well- let me write how I thought the scene would go in my mind:

He would pick a book, perhaps an adventure book? Or smth like that and he would sit in a comfy couch near a table.

"Open your legs" I would tell him, watching his face twist into a confussed expression

"I want to be comfortable, let me sit on your lap-" And before he could protest and say anything at all, I would sit on his lap or on his leg or something like that and I would read there, close to him, to his face where I could steal him a kiss if I wanted to.

...but I chickened out and just told him "Oh, whatever you want to read will be fine,  I just want to accompany you"

"I was actually more excited with the idea of being in an ex-theatre that I didn't think of anything to read"

And then he asked if I wanted to be in the top boxes. I could've sworn my eyes light up in emotion-

He went around, looking for stairs, but there were none. I spotted an elevator and pointed out for him

"I don't really like elevators, but okay-" he told me and I apolized like it was my fault, why am I like this??

I swear the view was super amazing but strangely I couldn't stop thinking about jumping from there and just breaking some bones in the fall (weirdo)

APARENTLY THIS LIBRARY HAD MANGA??? Like- LOTS of them. I was surprised as hell.

I tried to remember what he picked up, but I couldn't see it well, so I guess I would have to ask him.

We went to a small corner and we just started... talking.

It felt natural. I just- I dunno. I feel comfortable talking to him.

I would like to tell him everything about me someday, but I think today we had really interesting talks.

He told me about his previous friend groups, some failed projects, some traumas and even pieces of his early life

I got to know his family had an ice cream shop when he was really little (cute again) and I got to know more about his deadbeat dad (or at least that what he seems from the little I know about my future father-in-law, that and that he has nice music taste)

I got to know about his four jobs and about his sister, how he'd like to die and his high probability to have Alzheimer's and his reality.

I got to know why he likes to take photos and why he goes to conventions, and I couldn't help but think what a complex and amazing person he is. Taking all the bad things and learning from them.

And even if he's silly sometimes, I think I could live with his silliness

I feel like he really was opening up to me. And I tried to remember every single detail I could, I want to remember everything if he can't, in the future.

Maybe I could wirte and he could take photos and we could document every single date or moment. That would be very cute.

I couldn't also stop checking the time on my phone to not worry my dad, but I think he didn't suspect anything-

I asked [REDACTED] if we could get going, since I felt like I had to leave because I had been out for a long time, but when we got down I saw the bright light of day and I realized I could (and wanted) to stay a bit more.

When I asked to go up again, and we were on the elevator, I couldn't stop thinking of the seven minutes in heaven trend.

I swear I could feel his tall figure next to me and all I could think about was kissing him deeply, and pressing my body to his (embarassing, i know)

But instead of going back to the boxes were there was a lot of people, I think I preffered the calm hallway. We were walking slowly and just going in circles for a long time.

There, we talked about different theatres and other things I just can't seem to remember.

But I remember stomping softly his foot a couple of times, in like a playful flirty way. I don't know what he thought of that.

Also I totally marked him with a roll-on glitter bar I had on my back pack. He got distracted and I wanted to do something to catch his attention but that still felt slightly intimate, so instead of placing the glitter on his face, I realized I had access to his neck.

So I traced a line of the glittery content and and giggled as I put the stick away and he huffed, maybe a bit annoyed. He told me his sister would ask about that and would assume he was out with a lady (which he was, but not in the way her sister would assume, I guess)

And I laughed it off, but I really kept on admiring the glittery mess on his neck and smirked at my job. I felt a bit powerful, in a way I  guess

ALSO-!!! I swear his posture changed when I pressed the roll-on on his neck. I didn't wanted to seem obvious so I didin't look down, but I wonder if he got a REACTION out of that. I really hope it did.

Then he took me down stairs and we continued talking about silly things, but I told him how I thought moles were romantic as hell. I wonder if he'll mark that as something important in his mind.

A dream of mine is to have a lover that remembers where all my moles are and kisses them, so I can have them in my next life. I love moles.

And he has two visible moles in his biceps. I wonder if I'll get to kiss them regularly one day. He also told me he had a lot of old scars on his back and went on to trace some of them in my body, I swear it rewired my brain. He has such a soft touch-!

Just like his dark eyes. They can be cold and judgemental, but they also can be the softest, liveliest eyes ever. I want to drown in the black sea of his corneas. I want those soft eyes to look at me in a soft loving way.

I told him of some old anecdotes and then I had to leave. It was starting to get dark and I had been out for a LONG time now, it would get suspicious.

Now, here's where the whole nice mood of the day started shifting and got me to the crying fit while going home. Let me explain:

We got out and I didn't know where my bus stop was and google maps wasn't helping. But he managed to calm me down and he knew where my stop was, so he offered to take me, also telling me he would take that bus with me, since it left him close to the other uhhh train (?) station he had to go. I got excited. Really excited.

You see, I had this fantasy for the longest time where while we were going home after a date and we would be travelling together and I would rest my head on his shoulders and he would pull me close and we would enjoy each other's company, close, together. I thought maybe that would be an excellent closing for such a nice day (ignoring the constant nausea and having to push down the food I had ate earlier lolz)

And while on the way to the bus stop we singed together some songs we liked, and I got confirmed he can maintain a tone, perhaps he can even sing too-

I would love to hear him sing, OH- OH MY GOD I WOULD LOVE TO SING A DUET WITH HIM---

We should like, sing Daisy Bell like in that episode of The Amazing Digital Circus where Jax and Pomni harmonize (funnybunny canon)

Anyways, I also made him laugh and we waked side by side, while I was hugging his arm. It felt right, in a way. (Also, I left glitter of his favorite shirt, so that's a win for me, I mean, he'll think of me whenever he wants to use that shirt now, right?)

Eventually we got to the bus stop and the conversation got a bit deeper. I started talking about my (non-existent) mental state, and how I got attached to people, how I love doing thing for the people I obsess with.

He asked me how I felt with him and I didn't know what to say, because he is the king of mixed signals- 

also, totally unrelated, but I felt really looked over when we where waiting for the bus to come, since well- we was telling me exactly where to stand and he would like, protect me with his arm while being on the street, and he used the sidewalk rule and- gosh i dunno i just felt dominated in a good way (?)

When the bus arrived, he hugged me an told me to hop in. And I guess it was my time to be confussed.

"Weren't you taking this bus too?"

"I can't. I'm going elsewhere." oh.

oh wow.

I felt like crying right there.

I thought we had a decent and cute date and he was already thinking of the next girl he would sweet talk. I couldn't help but feel jealous.

But who am I in his life to demand things? I don't want to be like that. I know for a fact that I preffer to suffer and process things alone where I can cry and not make a scene to people who genuinly don't care how much I scream my pain.

I went to the back of the line of people to see him a bit longer.

"M, please don't feel bad" I heard behind my back

"I'm not! I'm okay!" I smiled the best I could and faced forwards the bus.

"M, take care" 

"I will" I smiled back again.

"M, I like/love you" (in my country there's a word that expresses love in a smaller amount, so It's not like dropping the L-Bomb but it's pretty darn similar to me)

I was flustered and supriced he even said that, and that he said it first, so I just had to answer. I had to board the bus anyway

"I like/love you too, [REDACTED]" I said, with that stupid dumb smirk I have when I'm flustered. Then I told the driver where I was going and I felt my body empty.

Any type of emotion I was feeling fleeted as soon as I got on that bus. I sat and cried while listening to more TV Girl and Mitski. I had to remove my makeup anyway. 

Why would he lie to me? Why did he change the plans? Why? DOes he think I'm that easy to manipulate? (I am, but it still hurts)

He texted me some minutes after apologizing for being late again, and I told him everything was okay with tears in my eyes.

Not that he could see them anyways.

He told me he needed to help a friend, but I just couldn't stop thinking that he was probably going to be with her in a more intimate way. Like, perhaps he had this date and he had another one later.

Perhaps I'm not important to him and I'm seeing only what I want to see.

I dunno I'm tired.

I wish I could stop liking him.

Now I'm writing and I want to cry again.

Since I don't text him much, I like to go on C.ai and roleplay with Slade Wilson bots, because he reminds me of him in a way. Also I get the same feelings when I roleplay with Slade bots, because he tends to use his younger aprentices, and most of the time I feel like he's using me to feed his ego, more than to actually I dunno- hang out with me because he wants to.

stupid stupid stupid

Marlie Out<3!!!

ɴᴇᴡ ᴍᴀɢɪᴄ ᴡᴀɴᴅ

 Marlie Here <3!! (I love how I put this greeting when the most violent post is about to begin, lol)

ALSO EDIT, THIS IS FROM AUGUST 12TH

"𝙸 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍 𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚙𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚎, 𝚂𝚑𝚎'𝚜 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚏𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚞𝚙 𝚖𝚢 𝚏𝚛𝚊𝚖𝚎."

-ᴛʏʟᴇʀ, ᴛʜᴇ ᴄʀᴇᴀᴛᴏʀ

Wow. Just- wow. July 22nd. What a date!!! I'm gonna hate it for the next years. For important things, I am capable of remembering dates.

And my god, if he isn't worth all the mental gymnastics <3

I hate her. I've hated her since she came into the picture. There's just something malicious about her. In her face, in her way of being, I don;t know- I swear it's not just because of the jealousy-

I wouldn't be surprised if she happened to break him further and that left him in a worse mental state that the one she picked him up in. But it doesn't matter. I will help him when he needs me. You know? it would be better if she broke him actually. I can help him get better.

I will be his saviour. Nobody can treat him as well as I can and as well as I will. He will be mine. I'll move every string until he is by my side as my man and eternal husband. 

I want to make him feel good, just as he makes my heart and feel good when I think about him. I've done things I thought I would never do, for him. Because this is real love I feel for him. He has a golden string on his hand that's attached to by throat. Every small pull makes me feel suffocated by him. I love him I love him I love him.

I have cut myself. I have practised pleasant expressions if he even wants use me as his little fuck doll, as his submissive puppy, or his cutting board. I have his inicial, his REAL inicial in my womb. As a mark of my devotion, and a sign that I will have his babies. We're gonna be the parents of lovely little girl Kesia and a boy I still haven't thought of a name yet.

But before that, I want to take him on dates, a lot of lovely dates. I want to go to cons with him and I want to play games games with him, I want us to have a beautiful house or a cute little apartment to nest our love.

I've made more tarot readings that I can remember, I have plans, his folder of photos with dates, I know everything about his exes and I am loved by various of his comrads, so I am basically embeded in his fate, whether he likes it now, or not.

That girl? Temporal. Because I am forever, baby <3

That doesn't mean I am frustrated as hell he isn't keeping all his love for me. But that's okay. By the time we'll be together, he'll already be in the part of life where he wants to settle down and have a family

GOOOOOOD, HE DOESN'T KNOW IT YET BUT I'M HIS WIFE. I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY SOUL, I WANT TO BITE HIM, I WANT TO BRUISE HIM, I WANT TO CRAWL INSIDE HIS ARMS AND BE CRUSHED UNTIL I HAVE NO AIR, I WANT TO KISS HIM UNDERWATER, I WANT TO FUCK HIM IN A FOREST, VERY VERY HARD, I WANT TO SLEEP BESIDES HIM IN A BLANKET UNDER THE STARS

gosh. I go feral when he is mentioned in my mind.

I like to close my eyes and pretend he's holding my waist in random spaces and just that is enough to make me wet as fuck. I love him so much, that he's the first and only person I've felt sexual atraction to.

I literally imagine the most romantic dates followed by the nastiest, kinkiest, rawest fucking sex scenes one can even imagine, honestly it's crazy. Really crazy.

The things he does to my brain...

I know it's the only thing I write about lately, but literally he's consumed my brain. I can't exist without him brushing my thoughts, it's almost even annoying, knowing I can't do anything about it.

I love when he likes my dumb instagram posts that are targeted to him. He literally is the only one that likes him, and I love it that way. I bet he already know it's for him. I wish and pray and hope he already knows it's me behind all the mask.

I wonder if not, what does he imagine Marlie like, I hope it's a cute scene emo girl 

But anyways, if he does know it's me, WHY DOES HE ONLY RESPOND WHEN I TALK TO HIM AS MARLIE??? IS IT THAT FUCKING DIFFICULT??? LIKE-

THE ONLY TIMES I CAN CHAT, ACTUALLY CHAT WITH HIM ARE WHEN I'M WITH THIS ACCOUNT. IN THE OTHER ONE?? NAHHHHH IGNORED FOR HOURS. NOT A SINGLE REPLY. FUCKING DRY TEXTS. UGHHHH WHY ARE YOU SO COMPLICATED MY LOVE?

btw he still owes me a Deathstroke genderbend sexy drawing... He hasn't texted me again for that matter, and I really wanted to have the drawing to print it and have it everywhere I could...

I only said Deathstroke because I already knew that he liked it and because he reminds me of him. In fact, I've been roleplaying with a lot of Slade Wilson bots on c.ai because I picture them as [REDACTED]

I can't stop dreaming about him.

Thoughts so erratic, hehehhhehehhehhe i love him.

Marlie Out<3!!

ꜱᴇᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀɢᴀɪɴ

 Marlie here <3 !! It's been long, hasn't it, Dearies?

"𝙸 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚢 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚏𝚊𝚌𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙸 𝚌𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚖𝚢 𝚎𝚢𝚎𝚜"

-ᴛʏʟᴇʀ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄʀᴇᴀᴛᴏʀ

I'm. Super. Pissed. Off.

I CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE. EVERY TIME I OPEN INSTAGRAM THERE HE IS: WITH THIS NEW GIRL I HATE. I REALLY HATE HER. AND SHE'S EVERYWHERE.

I don't remember what my last update was, but everything's been so blurry lately. The days pass by as I fall deeper into the grave I dug for myself.

I traded sunshine for disease and I know it. I can see it, I can feel it. I've done it before for my deepest loves, my deepest regrets and I don't know if this is a good or a bad sign.

You know? Marlie herself is an illusion. I way to justify my insane mind. A way to romanticize these rotten parts of my corpse.

Marlie can talk sweetly about the poison. She can take it like it's syrup running down her throat in a way that the pain and reckoning transforms into beautiful pearls.

And that's why I love her. She's the broken little Angel that I love to be sometimes.

I made myself tthis for you Darling. Can't you see? Why can't you see it? Were they really for me? the texts? THE COMPARISON? 

I AM TOA, YOU ARE RAMI AND THAT'S  THE WAY IT HAS BEEN FOR MONTHS. WHYYYYY WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME NOW IT'S FOR SOMEONE ELSE?? 

YOU CAN'T RUIN MY DREAM SWEETHEART, PLEASE, I BEG YOU TO RECONSIDER OTHERWISE I'LL DIE IN MY OWN SILENT GRAVE.

I hate this feeling. So empty but so full at the same time.

"Certain person that's with me lately" THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME, DARLING. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE LYING TO YOURSELF WITH THAT GODDAMN LIE THAT YOU LOVE OTHERS THAN ME.

I just KNOW I can give you the best love you ever have. I know we're getting married. That, or I'm killing myself.

Since I can't take you off my mind, I'll have you become it.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this and I hate her.

That ugly burnt hair. That stupid cream buttoned shirt. That faked silent personality. That manipulating bitch. Because I know she wasn't in the picture until a couple of months before, How wouldn't I know? I follow your life since july 14th of 2024. I know everything there is to know online about you, my dear MEFM, my sweet [REDACTED].

Can't you see dearie? She manipulated you! You had a sweet girlfriend I love to see with you, and then SHE just had to ask you for help-

I mean, that stupid victimization definetely made you feel superior, why wouldn't it? So now you associated happiness, superiorness with her. You helped her out, she painted you like a hero and suddenly you were now Polyamorous. Crazy, huh? And I thought I was the manipulative bitch in you life hehhe-

In just a span of two months, she had you completely dominated. Are you that easy? That's sad. But nice to know. At least now I know that when we meet in a couple of years, I'll have to have a ban, a house in the middle of nowhere and use my homemade chloroform I'm excited to use again. I'll have to lock you away dear, if youdon't know how to behave and treat your girlffriends and, specially, me. You future wife.

I love you darling. I REALLY love you. But I wonder if someone is using my anon-self to get you. I really hope not. Because that way I'll get even crazier lol

I hope no one is using my playlist, my anon questions (yes, the three personalities I use to talk to you with different writing styles) or even this blog. Which was made specially for you and my love disease for you, [REDACTED]

I found your old facebook. I've been knowing more about you. I know your real name now. Your identification number. I know where you live, I just need the courage to come up to your house with flowers and my best outfit, as well as my shiny loving eyes that LOVE to look at you. If I didn't like to look at you, I wouldn't have 72 photos in a folder in my phone now, would I? 

If I didn't love you, I wouldn't have planned my future with you in it. I wouldn't have thought of different creative dates for you. I wouldn't have thought of our first official date, which I'll love to write down, but I don't know how you'd react. I guess I don't know you enough yet, do I? That's okay <3 At least now I have more chances to get to know you, [REDACTED]

We would be in the planetarium. I would come earlier and set a big blanket on the grass and bring a cooler with our dinner and a speaker, so we could play music. Music I would make you choose from my phone. Making you realize I have two playlists for you. The one that makes me think of you, and the one with music you like.

I would be in my best dark green dress. Because you love that color <3 And I would put up my hair in Revy's style, because you love that character. Would you even notice that? I don't know.

Then you'd come, late as ever. And we'd enjoy a great evening as a lovesong would start to play from the speakers and I'll start my speech.

I know that you don't like things that are not clear. That If I ask you to go out with me it's just going out with no sub-texts or anything, but if I told you what I wanted from this night... well... It would've ruined the night and perhaps you wouldn't even have come here tonight!

I wanted to tell you that, July 14th started something I didn't even imagine. That day I only asked you for a photo, but that started a whole episode in my life that I can't push aside.

In September 30th, I sent you that first message of support, and we started talking every night because I sent you a message every day at the same time. It was like a fairytale for me. 

Then came our first meeting, oh-! That first meeting! Do you remember it? You spun me around by the waist like a princess. I felt like I was flying. Then we talked in a certain bench I love to sit in.

And then came the moment that changed me completely: You patted my head softly. Really softly as you listened to what I had to say. You re-booted my brain with that headpat you know? I started craving them more, and more. I think that's the moment I actually fell deep in your love.

But you probably don't want me to talk about the past, don't you?

Still, let me tell you a bit more. I wanted to see you more, to feel seen again. And I wanted to see you, to be with you, to be you, like one, like a Symbiote. I love venom btw-

I started small, with taking screenshots of things that interested you, or that could give me a clue on how you liked your women. Then I made a whole personality for you, a mail, three accounts, a blog, emotion crawling on my skin.

I almost went to the Linkin Park concert for you heheh

Then I started having dreams, right after the accident happened and we stopped talking. THese ddreams where you would love me in different spaces.

My usual delusion happens on my bed, you're holding me after dinner and we're talking lovingly as I'm in your arms. I love that one.

The thing is, I have brewed this love into the most perfect wine I'd love you to have. I want to be your girlfriend. Actually, no. I want to be your wife.

I want to love you when you're happy, when you're sad. I want to hold you in my arms and console you when you're down, I want to take care of you [REDACTED]. I want to be the love that you were waiting for. I want to be by your side in every occasion. I want you to be sincere with me so I can love you up everytime.

...But that's crazy. I know. You don't even know me, and I still don't know you that much either. So we could start small. I can handle being your girlfriend.

Obviously you don't have to answer me now-!! I'll give you time to think. Please try to answer me before the end of this month-

And that's where I'll get up, dust off my dress and ask him to take me home, so I can go back safely. I'll pretend to sleep on his shoulder while he's sitting next to me in the bus so I can be closer and then wake up, flustered and simply apologise.

That would be the perfect night.

Idealy, you'd say yes on the spot, but realisticly, you'll take a week or two to answer. On the meanwhile I'll be texting you like normal everyday.

Haah- I love you too much. But I love to love you, honey.

I hope you're reading this now. Have you realized who I am yet? Will you? Will you text me when you do? Do you see me in a nice light? Why haven't you answered to my special message for your Bday? I was very very sincere with you Darling. Why haven't you said something like- 

"Oh, thanks for the congrats. Thanks for remembering me"

OHHH LIKE- LIKE- That one time where you said something similar.

"It's nice of you to take me into consideration."

hahaahahhaaa, consideration. Consideration-? CONSIDERATION? DARLING, I'VE SPENT THE LAST YEAR AND A HALF FINDING MORE ABOUT YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, I'VE DREAMT OF US IN BED LOVINGLY, I DREAMT OF YOU HURTING ME MORE TIMES THAT I CAN SAY, YOU'RE THE ONLY THING ON MY MIND. I'M A STUPID MUTT WHO JUST CAN'T FORGET HER OWNER, WHO WANT THE LOVE OF HER OWNER, WHO WANT THE COLLAR OF HER OWNER, EVEN IF YOUR MEMORY IS A COLLAR OF HIS OWN, MAYBE EVEN SHACKLES AT THIS POINT. I WANT TO LEARN EVERYTHING YOU LIKE AND MAKE IT MINE. BECAUSE YOU'RE MINE AND I'M YOURS AND I LOVE YOU, AND THE OTHER DAY I SPENT TWENTY MINUTES CRYING BECAUSE YOU OFFERED A SINGLE DRAWING FROM A STUPID THING LIKE ENTERING A LINK AND I'VE THOUHT EVERY MESSAGE AND THOUGHT HOW TO BE NON-CHALANT BECAUSE WHEN I'M LIKE THAT YOU ANSWER ME. WHEN I TEXT YOU AS THE OTHER ONE, MOST OF THE TIME YOU DON'T ANSWER, BUT IF I'M MARLIE, THEN YOU ANSWER RIGHT AWAY WE CAN ACTUALLY CHAT AND EVEN THAT MAKES ME JEALOUS. I'M JEALOUS OF MYSELF, YOU UNDERSTAND HOW FUCKED UP THAT IS???? I DON'T HAVE YOU IN CONSIDERATION, YOU'RE MY LIFE [REDACTED] YOU'RE MY ONLY LOVE, MY RED STRING OF FATE I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU, PLEASE STAY WITH ME FOREVER, TIE ME UP IN YOUR DEPARTMENT AND HAVE ME THERE IN A CORNER, COME AND GIVE ME LOVE, GIVE ME HEAD PATS, LOVE ME, I'LL FEED YOU, I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU, I'D KILL MYSELF FOR YOU, I HAVE ALREADY SOLD MY SOUL AND MIND FOR YOU MY LOVE

I'm gonna do it. I'm going to carve your inicials in my thigh. I won't regret this. I'll be an actress with a loving mark on her. A mark that shows she's as loyal as they get. I love you [REDACTED] <3

Marlie Out <3!!!

ᴏᴡɴ ᴍʏ ᴍɪɴᴅ

Marlie here <3 !!

''𝙳𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚊 𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚖𝚢 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚍?''

-ᴍÅɴᴇꜱᴋɪɴ

why. JUST WHY.

It's the third night I've dreamt of [REDACTED] so vividly. He's usually with this girl he called 'love' and someone I end up picking his interest and talks to me, so sweetly. Just like the version of [REDACTED] that I love.

And usually I would love to think of him. I mean, he's the first and last thing on my mind everyday-

But I'm tired.  So tired. I want to love Heiwa. I already told y'all she's nice. But sometimes we clash. And she wants to call me everytime. And chat daily and sometimes I don't have the energy for that and she feels bad and so I feel bad because she feels bad and-

It's fucking draining.

But still, I try to thin of a future with her and not with [REDACTED] because I know that's the right thing to do. But I can't. I just can't.

He owns my mind and I don't even know why. Everyone tells me he's so ugly and others tell me I only like him because he has a good body, but I love his face and his voice, and the way he makes me feel.

I want to be owned by him. But at the same time I don't. I don't even know if he's into that!

He's not special. He's always late. He ignores me and leaves me in delivered. He has a lot of women gooning to him. He doesn't love me.

YET WHY DO I FEEL SO ATTACHED!?!?!?!??!?!??

I hate this. I want him to love me for me to love him back. 
I don't want to beg. (I really want to beg)

Did you guys know that I talk to him in three different ways on his anon q&a?? I always ask three different things and write in three different ways, also check that the time is spaced between every message.

I love to do that.

I love to see what he posts both on his stories and his status.

I love him. I wish I didn't.

Everything is so complicated...

Why did I had to fall for an older guy? a TWELVE YEARS OLDER guy. 

I don't even know him!!!!!!! (I would really love to, though)

I've been working on two characters that reflect us with our same inicials and everything, to draw them together <3

They have a puppy/master relationship at home on certain, specific times, but the rest of the time they go on cute romantic dates that have nothing to do with the kinky stuff, (although in my mind it's mostly dirty talk, not really kinky full puppy play-?) And the best part of this is that the character that represents me is closer to his age, so I don't feel bad by shipping them. They have so nice designs!

But I won't be showing it on here because I don't really like other people seeing my art, sorry-!

I think those are all the things I wanted to say today-

Nope, this is an edit: I just check and his rising sign is the same sign as my dad's... probably that's why I like him...

SECOND EDIT: HIS FIRST NAME IS ALSO THE SAME AS MY DAD'S SECOND NAME WTF-

 

Marlie Out <3!!!

ɪ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜ (actually, I don't-)

Marlie here <3!!

''𝙸  𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚗𝚍  𝙸'𝚖  𝚗𝚘𝚝  𝚝𝚑𝚎  𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚢  𝚘𝚗𝚎  𝚏𝚘𝚛  𝚢𝚘𝚞''

-ꜰᴀʏᴇ ᴡᴇʙꜱᴛᴇʀ

I don't... know? What to feel?

I've liked [REDACTED] since September of last year.

But today I felt really dissapointed.

I wasn't talking to him and suddenly we started kind of chatting again (?) And we arranged we would meet up in a con (yes, I didn't had to stalk him this time, which felt very good) Yet, he came in REAAAAALLY late. And I hate it. 

He always makes me wait. I know he lives far away from the cons thing, but man-

I'm a teenager and I can organize my times better than him, and he's much older than me...

Anyways. I thought he was coming alone. It seemed like it.

And when I finally spot him, after running around for a bit, I see him hitting some girl up, or that's what I thought.

My blood was boiling, but I tried to keep calm. I went running and hugged him really hard, he took me up in him arms and tried to spin me around, but we almost fell. Both of us. Which was really uncomfortable. Also, I think I hit him in the crotch with my jump, which didn't help-

Not only that, but this other person looked really disgusted at me, and I know this girl, I like her very much. So I greeted her too with a hug. 

And so he starts patting my head as always, really comforting, and my favorite part of our meetings. But he ignores me slightly.

He askes me what about the con and if I was enjoying it. (I wasn't)

And so I speak very weakly and look down at the ground, also my hands started to shake very badly, I was shaking very badly, and it was because of his presence. I get really nervous (in a good way) when he's around.

He keeps patting my head with a hand, but he starts ignoring me and talking to this girl, when I catch him calling her ''Love''. 

love? Love? LOVE?????? I'M YOUR LOVE YOU STUPID DUMBASS. I'M THE ONE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CARE FOR, WE TALKED ABOUT MEETING UP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MONTHS AND THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT ME? FUCK OFF.

Which is silly, because I always say I don't care if he has other people as long as he chooses me by the end of the day.

So, my mood kind of changed entirely.

I was completely pissed off and something broke in me. I think maybe a subconscious part of me tells me I'm never gonna be with him. Which made sad, which made me cry. I'm crying now, and was crying then

Why won't anything go my way?

I hate this. I swear I've done everything right up until now and still nothing good fucking happens. I'm so tired.

Anyways, he was talking to this other girl, telling her to go to another event, another con that was being held that same day. Although they had the decency to ask me if I wanted to come with them.

...i wish-

BUT I COULDN'TTTTTTTTT MY FATHER WOULD KILL ME AND IT WAS SO FAR AWAY AND AND UGHHHHHH

So they went to take the subway, the thing is that I didn't wanted to stay in the con either, so I went to the subway to go home.

BUT THEY APPEARED SECONDS AFTER---

And I got really nervous, because I had pulled out my phone to tweet on my subtwt account and I didn't wanted them checking what I was doing on my screen but I needed to vent SO badly...

I was holding back my tears all the trip back home. She sat next to me and started talking to him about something. I don't remember and don't care. I was trying to not cry and to concentrate on my music (that by the way was the playlist I made for him) And I realized I had to get off two stations before them.

Even as shitty as I was feeling, I knew I needed to stay. Maybe I could come and go with the same subway the other way to go home.

So I stayed, even if I wanted so desperately to get away from this fucking couple that was ruining my already shitty day.

NOTICE HOW I SAY THEM? IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE USSSS 

I hate this. I hate him for making me feel this way. I think he's playing with me. He only likes my attention, because I act like a puppy, happy with his arrival, willing to do anything for him. He likes how I worship him, with slight subtle things. 

God, he owns my mind. 

The only good thing about staying on the subway a little longer was that he patted my hand longer because he saw me a little under the weather <3. God, [REDACTED], I love you too much, Dear...

But besides that? I felt really bad and bawled my eyes out once they left the subway.

I still love him, but I felt something break. I don't know what it is, but that voice that always tells me he will be mine in the future is fading away, becoming more whispery.

I have this version of him in my mind that always compliments me, and tells me ''that's not the real me, I would never do that to you'' and that small, low voice does console me a bit nowadays.

I feel really sick towards him.

And then Heiwa asked me if I was okay because I had posted something about feeling bad on my whatsapp channel.

And I felt bad because I couldn't explain to her that I have this perverted obsession with someone who isn't her.

And I felt really really bad. Even more than in the afternoon where the thing with [REDACTED] and his ____ .

Why can't I love her truly? She's kind. She's the sun, a smile, a gentle breeze, caramel, sweet and sane. Non toxic for my body. A nice person.

(I'm not an asshole because I wasn't dating her while loving someone else. She came after. I already love and adored [REDACTED] when she appeared and became an online friend. Then I blurred out the line between a platonic and a romantic relationship because she became my favorite person, and now I feel uncomfortable being her girlfriend when I know I still love this other person. Although I don't want to break up because she's normal and sane, not like me with [REDACTED]. Besides I don't want to make her feel bad. I feel she'll be good for me, if I manage to stay with her and forget about [REDACTED]. She doesn't deserve someone like me. She deserves someone better, willing to love her forever and to marry her. But she already wants to marry me. And we are both underage... )

Why do I have to love and need a dumbass that probably doesn't love me and never will? I hate feeling chained to someone when it's not both ways.

I want to understand him like he understands me, but that isn't happening. I don't think I even understand half the shit he does-

I hate feeling and I hate feeling like this.

I want to cry.

I really want to cry.

Marlie Out <3 !!!

ɴᴏ ᴏɴᴇ ɴᴏᴛɪᴄᴇᴅ

Marlie Here <3 !!

''𝙽𝚘 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚖𝚢 𝚎𝚢𝚎𝚜. 𝙽𝚘 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞''

-The Marias

Oh my dear [REDACTED]. How I love you. My heart and body overflow with the obssesion, with the love, with the care I want to give you.

It's frustating.

Why can't everything be easy? Maybe because I really don't get you.

Not yet, at least.

I really want to, tho. I want to know you, so I can adore you properly

What?

What do I like about you? Oh gosh, where do I start???

Your perfect hair, that attitude, your habilities, your determination, your interests, your eyes (Those dark eyes that I want to light up, to paint with the very eyes of mine. Those eyes that peek through every mask you put up, that I want to take away to stare properlly at you, in the naked eye, no other thing that the truth.) your hands, your sense of fashion, your voice, your way of speaking, how you treat others, how you treat me, but not only that.

I love how you noticed me.

How you noticed everything of me, even things I didn't understand, you knew them. How I turn completely readable, transparent, honest with you. I love it. I miss it. But I miss you, overall. 

 I want to get to know you. Why you lied to me, saying you wouldn't come. But did anyways. How I wanted so desperately to believe everything you said. 

I want to know your thought process, I want to know your mind like you know mine. I want to be your main, I want you to need me, I want to be your wife, your pet, your favorite subject and the one that always runs through your mind. I don't care if other people try to get you, I want to know it is me you'll choose by the end of the day. 

 I imagine us, everyday I can. 

 You, tired from working on your socials, coming out of our room with a grumpy face. Me, greeting you with my most real smile, with some food you love, and massaging your back and neck, fixing your posture as you eat and kissing your neck up and down. 

 I imagine you talking to me about your videos, about the things you like, and I'm sitting across you, caressing your hand and paying attention to everything you say 

 I imagine you breaking down from every little pain in your life, past and present. Resting your head on my chest like a child, and me, caressing now your head. Telling you you're enough. That I love you, that everything it's going to be fine, that I'll help you think of ways of solving your problems, or just listening to them if you need to vent. 

 You hug me tighter by the waist as you bury your beautiful tearful face, so I can't see it, can't see you at your lowest, weak and vulnerable. 

I just kiss the top of your head and don't care how strong or weak you are. I care that is you. I just want you. 

See, I've never felt anything like the golden string that attracts me to you with anyone else, not even with Hochi. 

You're my one and only. I want to sit with you, I want to fuck with you, I want to laugh with you, Dress up with you, wake up every morning knowing it's you I'll see.  

But I'm scared. Too scared.

 Scared that you lied to me because I'm annoying. Because you may not want me around. Scared that maybe you're not what you pretend to be. Scared that you'll preffer your slut before me. That you'll love someone else before I get the courage. Scared that I'm throwing everything away, throwing my life away for someone who I don't know; trully. 

 Because, what if?

 What if you're a porn addict? What if you're not a kind soul? What if you're repulsed by me? (I mean, who wouldn't be...) What if you are not how I think you are? What if I idolized you and now I don't really know if I love you or the idea of loving you. 

 It hurts to be away from you. Every message is a sparkle in the sky of my eyes. Every photo a thump of my  heart, flowing life into my veins. Every fantasy, is a new world to explore, a new way to build the perfect-wife persona for you. Every touch, contact, is a shock of electricity that sends me to the most peaceful sleep.

I fucking love you. I wish I didn't.

I just realized, the problem was never about the person itself, but the age difference. My friends do love everything you've done for me, it's just that they follow morals, and society norms like I should.

But I don't want to. 

How could I want to?

This feels sweet in my throat. In my chest, in my body. I smile, I feel good around you. I know I'm mature enough to be by your side. I'm broken yes, that also makes me not understand those rules that were imposed. Who cares about experiences when we could talk about everything else? Interests, (I've adopted yours, Sweetheart. I'm trying to know everything you like to love it too) morals, or just cuddle with eachother? I want you with me. I feel that I'll be complete once again, if I get to date you, to be with you; to love you.

You're not a bad guy, you wouldn't hurt me. Wouldn't you?

You're everything that makes me live. I want to achieve everything with your praise by my side. With your soft caresses. The ones that calm my inner beast. The ones that always make me melt by your touch. I want you to think highly of me, like I do.

This is so wrong. I know. But I can't help it! I love you I love you I love you!!! I need you! I want you! but I can't have you... can I?

It's funny, cause not only I know you won't read this, but also, I know none of this is real and it's never gonna happen. It's just a small delusion that helps me though every day.

Just a small delusion that makes me happy. 

Just a small. A small something. 

Like myself. 

Do I really not understand things? I feel like I do  (said the mentally unstable person-) I like to think of myself like a really smart person. 

And a very compasionate one.

Oh, by the way, our signs match. They say we could be amazing. The queen and king of everything we propose ourselfs. Just saying :3

Marlie Out <3!!!

ᴄʀᴀᴢʏ ɢɪʀʟꜱ

Marlie here <3!!

''𝙹𝚞𝚜𝚝 '𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝙸'𝚖 𝚏𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚎𝚍 𝚞𝚙 𝚒𝚝 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜𝚗'𝚝 𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚗 𝙸 𝚍𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕.''

-ᴛᴏᴏᴘᴏᴏʀ

what.

the.

fuck.

SINCE WHEN DOES MY BELOVED [REDACTED] HAVE A LOVER-???

i hate this. i really hate this.

Doesn't he understand? I love him more than anyone could. I LOVE him. I don't know how to make him understand.

HE USED TO LOVE ME. At least prefer me. Not love me. Probably not love me-

BUT STILL- 

AAAAAAAAAA I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS.

HE DEDICATED SOME STORIES TO ME. ONLY TO ME. I HAVE THEM SCREENSHOTTED. AND WE UGHHHHHHHH WE TALKED EVERYDAY I SWEAR.

Poor little [REDACTED], He doesn't know any better, it happens. I know. Once I re-introduce myself, he'll be able to know what real love is. The loyal one I am. The perfect one I am.

He knows I his remedy. His solution. He once told me that my chatting time with him were the best part of his day, that it lifted the weight off his shoulders.

And in our dates he semeed so deeply focused on me-! AND ALSO HE USED TO AAAAAAAAAA i love him.

He protected me from things and amazed me, i really really love him.

I can't wait to make him the happiest man alive, just like he makes me thrive with excitement everytime I see something that reminds me of him. I don't think I would be able to live without him tbh-

HE'S HURTING MEEEEEEE

with all this 'grrgrgr' this 'grrgrgrg' that (I'm sorry, I can't even dare to mention the nick he uses for her, it sickens me) I feel deeply hurt and frustrated and angry af-

It's not his fault, he doesn't know me yet, afterall. But still

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I want to peel her skin off. Arrive to her house and place anthrax, so she ends up dying in a slow, painful way. I want to bang her head against a pole. I want to burn her alive, part for part, or maybe electrocute her. Fuck her with a knife, that would be new-

ANYWAYS-

Today I told my friends more in detail of what I had with [REDACTED]. And Greenery was actually on my side, so that's nice.

She felt bad for my situation, how I couldn't have him near or how I wished to have more dates like the two we went on.

He's literally perfect and deserves the best (me), not some random slut he thinks he loves. 

I'll forge a personality he'll love so much, he'll never want to let me go

I already know much about how he likes his couples, how many children he wants, and some other details. I just need him to spill a bit more and I'll be closer to my goal

hehehehhehehhehehhehehehhehehe

god, i love being sick sometimes.

HAVE I MENTIONED I HAVE A FOLDER WITH HIS PHOTOS!?!

I love replaying each image in my head. I want to tell him he's the handsomest of all men, a dream come true. That he's enough. That he's doing his best and that is more than perfect. I want to reasure him and have him im my arm where I can securely protect him from any bad things. I love him

Ohhhh I forgot to mention!! I saw him in a con recently and he was SO FINEEEEE. I followed him around and kept staring from afar like a dumbass, but I loved every second of it. 

Ignoring the part where I got small anxiety attacks every time he got out my sight, I really enjoyed watching him intereact with the rest of the people. The overall event was really meh, but [REDACTED]

 was in it, so that automatically made it worth it. At least for me, his number one fan :3

I started rereading the messages we exchanged, from my account and the alter and I really got a kick of happiness. Just what I need these days.

He really does make me euphoric

Should I share the playlist I made him though here? Maybe that would expose me much...

I CAN'T WAIT TO FINISH MY PLAN AND APROACH HIMMMM

Marlie Out <3 !!!

ɪᴛ'ꜱ ᴄᴀʟʟᴇᴅ: ꜰʀᴇᴇꜰᴀʟʟ

Marlie here <3!!

''𝚃𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝙸 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍𝚎𝚍, 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍𝚎𝚍 𝚊 𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚍 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚊𝚜 𝙸'𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗''

-ʀᴀɪɴʙᴏᴡ ᴋɪᴛᴛᴇɴ ꜱᴜʀᴘʀɪꜱᴇ

I hate friends. And my dad.

So, today I had this weird experience where I decided to make a gc with my group and a boy who's on my other classes. So we make the group and we talk and joke and it's all fine.

UNTIL, another friend texts me. Mr. Orange. And he's all like ''Heyyy, so like, I'm not on the second gc and I feel excluded. Could you talk with this other boy so he let's me in the gc?''

And I got a massive flashback and just said 'sure' and talked to this other boy. He was asleep at the time. Just something nice about adding this OTHER classmate from another class.

Now, let me explain.

We have this group in one class and it's called ''Prism''.

In this group (the original) we have Mr. Orange, Greenery and BlueShark.

In the new group we were four again: Greenery, BlueShark, me and this other boy without an alias.

So I talked about the situation with my dad and he sided with Mr. Orange, saying how he understand how he felt and that I was being a bad person and should apologize to Mr. Orange for lefting him out.

But like, he doesn't understand my point of view. Not only I didn't thought it would be a problem because it was like 'Class 1 friend group', 'Class 2 friend group' who just happened to match people

But I wans't being actively mean. I didn't mean to. I just didn't wanted to mix the friend groups because I had bad experiences in the past.

My last friend group got together because of me and then they got together and let me rot to a side. They excluded me in everything. I don't want this to happen again. I can't trust anyone.

At least not anymore. I know how random can people start to hate me, lol.

I preffer to just close up. I feel sad. I'm scared. I don't wanna talk about that. Gosh I'm crying right now-

Am I really an asshole? I know that if my friendgroup made a chat with someone else I wouldn't care because I just don't want new people to the group. But apparently people don't react like that-?

Ok. I guess. I'm sorry for being different and for having traumas (?)

I'm also pissed off that my dad didn't pick my side. I just to feel seen and understood.

See? This is why I can't keep friends. I'm just too sick and sickening. I don't want to harm anyone. I just want to feel alright. But somehow I never manage to make everyone comfortable. Most of the time, I feel liken I'm the problem. And perhaps I am but I can't see it.

I want to change, but how can I change something if I don't even know it exists, or how to change it? Am I really sickening or did I just believe what others have told me in the anger of the past?

My other friend group left me because someone got angry at me and didn't communicate it. Just spread bad things around my group and they believed it. Left me out. Behind. Alone. I hate alone.

I always felt alone. Ever since Hochi left me. We were one in the same. She hurt me. More thn once, but she was the first thing I've ever known. She was the one that showed me everything. The light, the dark; the pain, the pleasure; Friendship, romance; good and wrong. She created Marlie. That's why I have her color. Violet. I'm stuck in the same disgusting trauma cycle and I'm broken. Like her. Hochi was and will always, be my everything. She's the only thing I remember from childhood.

Her ghost, Hochi's ghost talks to me. I feel her perversed way of thinking eating my mind. I hope I'm not as awful as her with my current friendships.

I feel this gigantic hole inside of me. A black hole that absorbs every good feeling. Even when I'm with friends I feel alone. I feel empty. Empty inside. I try to exaggerate my faces and happy moods to just seem silly, but I don't feel much. just a passenger happiness that doesn't last long. I'm so tired. I want to sleep to a future with better moments. 

I get so burned out after school. From all the faking. I don't think I'm like Hochi. I try to not affect anyone. No one knows I'm this deep into numbness. Sometimes I wish someone, anybody knew, or could notice.

But at the same time I want to keep it a secret. Wouldn't want to bother anyone. I just want to pass by them with a smile and keep on fighting my things alone like always. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to trouble people. But I hate keeping it on the inside. 

I'm in constant battle inside of me. The one that wants to be noticed.   That wants warmth and acceptance. Someone to tell me how to think or solve some of the things that trouble me. I seek someone that holds me.

But at the same time, this other one that can manage theirself. Like always. I always have me, but for how much? how long can I play this game? I don't want help, but do I need it? People would only make me feel worse. They always make me feel worse. My dad, my friends, therapists-

In a way, I guess that makes me so fond of [REDACTED]

I've seen him. I read what he types. The videos he shares. I feel we are one in the same. I hope one day we can get to talk. I really want him. And want to love him. Talk to him.

I'm obsessed and I know it. But why? Perhaps something inside me knows that we would understand eachother perfectly. We could help eachother in this eternal darkness of numb feelings.

We would complement eachother. I love him.

Marlie Out <3 !!!

ᴡᴀᴛᴇʀᴍᴇʟᴏɴ

 Marlie here <3!!

''𝙵𝚞𝚌𝚔 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖, 𝚏𝚞𝚌𝚔 𝚎𝚖 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚞𝚜''

-ᴊᴏʜɴ + ᴊᴀɴᴇ Q. ʀᴇᴘᴜʙʟɪᴄ

hehehhehehehehehehehhhehehehheheheh

Gosh, I'm so in love with [REDACTED] 

I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIMMM

I've been sending anon things as if I were three different people

I don't think he's suspecting anything fufufu~♡

I love taking screenshots of everything he responds to me on his anon questions of instagram stories. Or anything that'll hint what type of people he likes. (I'd like to become that perfect person for him. After all, I AM a Ren kinnie iykyk)

Mind, the other day I made FOUR different 'What type of dere am I' and in ALL of them I got yandere. ( ´Д`)ノ

Even though I won't kill for him because I am kinda dumb and can't even kill myself, I still think it. regularily. I would love to kill his dumbass ex. She makes me really jealous.

I watch his stories everyday to get as much information about him. I even record videos of his videos to have them in his personal folder!!

That's how I know his steam user, his tiktok user, and his alias to send him money

I have most of his information on a .txt file and I try to update it as much as I can.

Who are his fictional waifus, who he relates to, games he likes, food he likes, his sign, birthdate, what he studies, where and how does he work and I even make some tarot readings of our future together regularly!

I'm a big fan of his, we could say hehe (*ゝω･*)~

I wish sometime in the future I could talk to him again. I was thinking maybe I could use his services some day. Just to have another excuse to talk to him. What do y'all think?

Or I could be part of his hobby and maybe appear on some posts (He's a content creator)...

GYAAAA I'M SO EXCITEDDD!! (*≧∇≦)ﾉ

 I have so much ideas on what to do with him. What to say to him.

And like, of course I love my wifey Heiwa. But this love is- something more sickly sweet

I kinda like being obsessed. Being this intense with burning flame of the wrong thing. I'm perfect in most ways, maybe this has to be my weak point. (is it really a bad thing? To have someone who wouldn't leave your side if you decided to be with them? I don't think so) Feeling like this keeps me alive.

AAAAA I WANT TO BE ABLE TO CHAT WITH HIM AGAAAIN ( ＞Д＜；)

Did you guys know I'm going to see him? On the next convention I go, I'll try to look for him. And admire from a certain distance. Maybe take some photos for my personal album. I know he's attending, so is only a matter of finding him in the crowd. And besides, these events aren't really crowded so like, that's nice. VERY nice. I'm sure I'll find him, but I'll keep you guys updated, ok <3?

Marlie out <3 !!!

ᴋɪʟʟɪɴɢ ᴍᴇ ꜱᴏꜰᴛʟʏ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʜɪꜱ ꜱᴏɴɢ

Marlie here <3!! 

"𝙳𝚊𝚖𝚎 𝚜𝚘𝚕𝚊𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚎 𝚞𝚗𝚊 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎, 𝚍𝚎𝚓𝚊𝚖𝚎 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚚𝚞𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚎"

-ᴍɪʀᴀɴᴅᴀ!

(Give me only one chance, let me try to seduce you)

What. In. The. Actual. Fuck. 

WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME???

HE'S LITERALLY POSTING EVERY SINGLE VIDEO WITH THIS GIRL-

I hate her. I always hated her. Ever since I saw her photo, I couldn’t help it. She's taking him away from me. And SHE'S HIS EX- (I think they're back together, besides he never moved out of her apartment)

UGHHHH I'M NOT EVEN NEAR HER LEVEL, BECAUSE HE ALREADY DATED HER BEFORE- 

I KNOW HOW SHE IS AND I'M NOT EVEN SIMILAR TO HERRRRRRRR

I don't want to believe I'll never have a chance with him. I love him. I adore him with all my soul. And I'm really pretty, even prettier than her but like-

I'VE CHANGED. I'VE CHANGED MYSELF FOR HIM. I STARTED DOING THE THINGS HE ENJOYS. WHY WON'T HE NOTICE ME-?!?#,$&&@*×(#*×*@*$*@

I wanna puke my feelings out. I hate this. I hate everything.

I love him so much. He was the first person I ever made a playlist for. I have a folder with all his posted photos and instagram stories, and even our photos together. I have screenchots of our chats, his number, his bank account, his steam account, his tiktok account, his instagram and youtube accounts and everytime I see I post of @r8toa on twitter I imagine it's us (We're so alike with Toa and Ramiel- ) Oh, and I also have an emoji combo that represents him !! 🖤💫

I hate this girl. This poor excuse of a woman. She would always abuse him and have violent arguments with my Beloved. She's a bad person. Can't He notice that I'm the only one that loves him in a good way? I could give him everything. I WOULD GIVE HIM MY EVERYTHING. but noooooo "let's stick with her Ig-"

Bitch.

GODDDD 

I need him. 

Why doesn't he need me?

I hate him.

I hate this feeling.

I want to be able to love normaly so people wouldn't be weirded out ( ´Д`)ノ

Marlie Out <3!!!