ɪᴛ'ꜱ ᴄᴀʟʟᴇᴅ: ꜰʀᴇᴇꜰᴀʟʟ

Marlie here <3!!

''𝚃𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝙸 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍𝚎𝚍, 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍𝚎𝚍 𝚊 𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚍 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚊𝚜 𝙸'𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗''

-ʀᴀɪɴʙᴏᴡ ᴋɪᴛᴛᴇɴ ꜱᴜʀᴘʀɪꜱᴇ

I hate friends. And my dad.

So, today I had this weird experience where I decided to make a gc with my group and a boy who's on my other classes. So we make the group and we talk and joke and it's all fine.

UNTIL, another friend texts me. Mr. Orange. And he's all like ''Heyyy, so like, I'm not on the second gc and I feel excluded. Could you talk with this other boy so he let's me in the gc?''

And I got a massive flashback and just said 'sure' and talked to this other boy. He was asleep at the time. Just something nice about adding this OTHER classmate from another class.

Now, let me explain.

We have this group in one class and it's called ''Prism''.

In this group (the original) we have Mr. Orange, Greenery and BlueShark.

In the new group we were four again: Greenery, BlueShark, me and this other boy without an alias.

So I talked about the situation with my dad and he sided with Mr. Orange, saying how he understand how he felt and that I was being a bad person and should apologize to Mr. Orange for lefting him out.

But like, he doesn't understand my point of view. Not only I didn't thought it would be a problem because it was like 'Class 1 friend group', 'Class 2 friend group' who just happened to match people

But I wans't being actively mean. I didn't mean to. I just didn't wanted to mix the friend groups because I had bad experiences in the past.

My last friend group got together because of me and then they got together and let me rot to a side. They excluded me in everything. I don't want this to happen again. I can't trust anyone.

At least not anymore. I know how random can people start to hate me, lol.

I preffer to just close up. I feel sad. I'm scared. I don't wanna talk about that. Gosh I'm crying right now-

Am I really an asshole? I know that if my friendgroup made a chat with someone else I wouldn't care because I just don't want new people to the group. But apparently people don't react like that-?

Ok. I guess. I'm sorry for being different and for having traumas (?)

I'm also pissed off that my dad didn't pick my side. I just to feel seen and understood.

See? This is why I can't keep friends. I'm just too sick and sickening. I don't want to harm anyone. I just want to feel alright. But somehow I never manage to make everyone comfortable. Most of the time, I feel liken I'm the problem. And perhaps I am but I can't see it.

I want to change, but how can I change something if I don't even know it exists, or how to change it? Am I really sickening or did I just believe what others have told me in the anger of the past?

My other friend group left me because someone got angry at me and didn't communicate it. Just spread bad things around my group and they believed it. Left me out. Behind. Alone. I hate alone.

I always felt alone. Ever since Hochi left me. We were one in the same. She hurt me. More thn once, but she was the first thing I've ever known. She was the one that showed me everything. The light, the dark; the pain, the pleasure; Friendship, romance; good and wrong. She created Marlie. That's why I have her color. Violet. I'm stuck in the same disgusting trauma cycle and I'm broken. Like her. Hochi was and will always, be my everything. She's the only thing I remember from childhood.

Her ghost, Hochi's ghost talks to me. I feel her perversed way of thinking eating my mind. I hope I'm not as awful as her with my current friendships.

I feel this gigantic hole inside of me. A black hole that absorbs every good feeling. Even when I'm with friends I feel alone. I feel empty. Empty inside. I try to exaggerate my faces and happy moods to just seem silly, but I don't feel much. just a passenger happiness that doesn't last long. I'm so tired. I want to sleep to a future with better moments. 

I get so burned out after school. From all the faking. I don't think I'm like Hochi. I try to not affect anyone. No one knows I'm this deep into numbness. Sometimes I wish someone, anybody knew, or could notice.

But at the same time I want to keep it a secret. Wouldn't want to bother anyone. I just want to pass by them with a smile and keep on fighting my things alone like always. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to trouble people. But I hate keeping it on the inside. 

I'm in constant battle inside of me. The one that wants to be noticed.   That wants warmth and acceptance. Someone to tell me how to think or solve some of the things that trouble me. I seek someone that holds me.

But at the same time, this other one that can manage theirself. Like always. I always have me, but for how much? how long can I play this game? I don't want help, but do I need it? People would only make me feel worse. They always make me feel worse. My dad, my friends, therapists-

In a way, I guess that makes me so fond of [REDACTED]

I've seen him. I read what he types. The videos he shares. I feel we are one in the same. I hope one day we can get to talk. I really want him. And want to love him. Talk to him.

I'm obsessed and I know it. But why? Perhaps something inside me knows that we would understand eachother perfectly. We could help eachother in this eternal darkness of numb feelings.

We would complement eachother. I love him.

Marlie Out <3 !!!