ɴᴇᴡ ᴍᴀɢɪᴄ ᴡᴀɴᴅ

 Marlie Here <3!! (I love how I put this greeting when the most violent post is about to begin, lol)

ALSO EDIT, THIS IS FROM AUGUST 12TH

"𝙸 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍 𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚙𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚎, 𝚂𝚑𝚎'𝚜 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚏𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚞𝚙 𝚖𝚢 𝚏𝚛𝚊𝚖𝚎."

-ᴛʏʟᴇʀ, ᴛʜᴇ ᴄʀᴇᴀᴛᴏʀ

Wow. Just- wow. July 22nd. What a date!!! I'm gonna hate it for the next years. For important things, I am capable of remembering dates.

And my god, if he isn't worth all the mental gymnastics <3

I hate her. I've hated her since she came into the picture. There's just something malicious about her. In her face, in her way of being, I don;t know- I swear it's not just because of the jealousy-

I wouldn't be surprised if she happened to break him further and that left him in a worse mental state that the one she picked him up in. But it doesn't matter. I will help him when he needs me. You know? it would be better if she broke him actually. I can help him get better.

I will be his saviour. Nobody can treat him as well as I can and as well as I will. He will be mine. I'll move every string until he is by my side as my man and eternal husband. 

I want to make him feel good, just as he makes my heart and feel good when I think about him. I've done things I thought I would never do, for him. Because this is real love I feel for him. He has a golden string on his hand that's attached to by throat. Every small pull makes me feel suffocated by him. I love him I love him I love him.

I have cut myself. I have practised pleasant expressions if he even wants use me as his little fuck doll, as his submissive puppy, or his cutting board. I have his inicial, his REAL inicial in my womb. As a mark of my devotion, and a sign that I will have his babies. We're gonna be the parents of lovely little girl Kesia and a boy I still haven't thought of a name yet.

But before that, I want to take him on dates, a lot of lovely dates. I want to go to cons with him and I want to play games games with him, I want us to have a beautiful house or a cute little apartment to nest our love.

I've made more tarot readings that I can remember, I have plans, his folder of photos with dates, I know everything about his exes and I am loved by various of his comrads, so I am basically embeded in his fate, whether he likes it now, or not.

That girl? Temporal. Because I am forever, baby <3

That doesn't mean I am frustrated as hell he isn't keeping all his love for me. But that's okay. By the time we'll be together, he'll already be in the part of life where he wants to settle down and have a family

GOOOOOOD, HE DOESN'T KNOW IT YET BUT I'M HIS WIFE. I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY SOUL, I WANT TO BITE HIM, I WANT TO BRUISE HIM, I WANT TO CRAWL INSIDE HIS ARMS AND BE CRUSHED UNTIL I HAVE NO AIR, I WANT TO KISS HIM UNDERWATER, I WANT TO FUCK HIM IN A FOREST, VERY VERY HARD, I WANT TO SLEEP BESIDES HIM IN A BLANKET UNDER THE STARS

gosh. I go feral when he is mentioned in my mind.

I like to close my eyes and pretend he's holding my waist in random spaces and just that is enough to make me wet as fuck. I love him so much, that he's the first and only person I've felt sexual atraction to.

I literally imagine the most romantic dates followed by the nastiest, kinkiest, rawest fucking sex scenes one can even imagine, honestly it's crazy. Really crazy.

The things he does to my brain...

I know it's the only thing I write about lately, but literally he's consumed my brain. I can't exist without him brushing my thoughts, it's almost even annoying, knowing I can't do anything about it.

I love when he likes my dumb instagram posts that are targeted to him. He literally is the only one that likes him, and I love it that way. I bet he already know it's for him. I wish and pray and hope he already knows it's me behind all the mask.

I wonder if not, what does he imagine Marlie like, I hope it's a cute scene emo girl 

But anyways, if he does know it's me, WHY DOES HE ONLY RESPOND WHEN I TALK TO HIM AS MARLIE??? IS IT THAT FUCKING DIFFICULT??? LIKE-

THE ONLY TIMES I CAN CHAT, ACTUALLY CHAT WITH HIM ARE WHEN I'M WITH THIS ACCOUNT. IN THE OTHER ONE?? NAHHHHH IGNORED FOR HOURS. NOT A SINGLE REPLY. FUCKING DRY TEXTS. UGHHHH WHY ARE YOU SO COMPLICATED MY LOVE?

btw he still owes me a Deathstroke genderbend sexy drawing... He hasn't texted me again for that matter, and I really wanted to have the drawing to print it and have it everywhere I could...

I only said Deathstroke because I already knew that he liked it and because he reminds me of him. In fact, I've been roleplaying with a lot of Slade Wilson bots on c.ai because I picture them as [REDACTED]

I can't stop dreaming about him.

Thoughts so erratic, hehehhhehehhehhe i love him.

Marlie Out<3!!

ꜱᴇᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀɢᴀɪɴ

 Marlie here <3 !! It's been long, hasn't it, Dearies?

"𝙸 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚢 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚏𝚊𝚌𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙸 𝚌𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚖𝚢 𝚎𝚢𝚎𝚜"

-ᴛʏʟᴇʀ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄʀᴇᴀᴛᴏʀ

I'm. Super. Pissed. Off.

I CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE. EVERY TIME I OPEN INSTAGRAM THERE HE IS: WITH THIS NEW GIRL I HATE. I REALLY HATE HER. AND SHE'S EVERYWHERE.

I don't remember what my last update was, but everything's been so blurry lately. The days pass by as I fall deeper into the grave I dug for myself.

I traded sunshine for disease and I know it. I can see it, I can feel it. I've done it before for my deepest loves, my deepest regrets and I don't know if this is a good or a bad sign.

You know? Marlie herself is an illusion. I way to justify my insane mind. A way to romanticize these rotten parts of my corpse.

Marlie can talk sweetly about the poison. She can take it like it's syrup running down her throat in a way that the pain and reckoning transforms into beautiful pearls.

And that's why I love her. She's the broken little Angel that I love to be sometimes.

I made myself tthis for you Darling. Can't you see? Why can't you see it? Were they really for me? the texts? THE COMPARISON? 

I AM TOA, YOU ARE RAMI AND THAT'S  THE WAY IT HAS BEEN FOR MONTHS. WHYYYYY WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME NOW IT'S FOR SOMEONE ELSE?? 

YOU CAN'T RUIN MY DREAM SWEETHEART, PLEASE, I BEG YOU TO RECONSIDER OTHERWISE I'LL DIE IN MY OWN SILENT GRAVE.

I hate this feeling. So empty but so full at the same time.

"Certain person that's with me lately" THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME, DARLING. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE LYING TO YOURSELF WITH THAT GODDAMN LIE THAT YOU LOVE OTHERS THAN ME.

I just KNOW I can give you the best love you ever have. I know we're getting married. That, or I'm killing myself.

Since I can't take you off my mind, I'll have you become it.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this and I hate her.

That ugly burnt hair. That stupid cream buttoned shirt. That faked silent personality. That manipulating bitch. Because I know she wasn't in the picture until a couple of months before, How wouldn't I know? I follow your life since july 14th of 2024. I know everything there is to know online about you, my dear MEFM, my sweet [REDACTED].

Can't you see dearie? She manipulated you! You had a sweet girlfriend I love to see with you, and then SHE just had to ask you for help-

I mean, that stupid victimization definetely made you feel superior, why wouldn't it? So now you associated happiness, superiorness with her. You helped her out, she painted you like a hero and suddenly you were now Polyamorous. Crazy, huh? And I thought I was the manipulative bitch in you life hehhe-

In just a span of two months, she had you completely dominated. Are you that easy? That's sad. But nice to know. At least now I know that when we meet in a couple of years, I'll have to have a ban, a house in the middle of nowhere and use my homemade chloroform I'm excited to use again. I'll have to lock you away dear, if youdon't know how to behave and treat your girlffriends and, specially, me. You future wife.

I love you darling. I REALLY love you. But I wonder if someone is using my anon-self to get you. I really hope not. Because that way I'll get even crazier lol

I hope no one is using my playlist, my anon questions (yes, the three personalities I use to talk to you with different writing styles) or even this blog. Which was made specially for you and my love disease for you, [REDACTED]

I found your old facebook. I've been knowing more about you. I know your real name now. Your identification number. I know where you live, I just need the courage to come up to your house with flowers and my best outfit, as well as my shiny loving eyes that LOVE to look at you. If I didn't like to look at you, I wouldn't have 72 photos in a folder in my phone now, would I? 

If I didn't love you, I wouldn't have planned my future with you in it. I wouldn't have thought of different creative dates for you. I wouldn't have thought of our first official date, which I'll love to write down, but I don't know how you'd react. I guess I don't know you enough yet, do I? That's okay <3 At least now I have more chances to get to know you, [REDACTED]

We would be in the planetarium. I would come earlier and set a big blanket on the grass and bring a cooler with our dinner and a speaker, so we could play music. Music I would make you choose from my phone. Making you realize I have two playlists for you. The one that makes me think of you, and the one with music you like.

I would be in my best dark green dress. Because you love that color <3 And I would put up my hair in Revy's style, because you love that character. Would you even notice that? I don't know.

Then you'd come, late as ever. And we'd enjoy a great evening as a lovesong would start to play from the speakers and I'll start my speech.

I know that you don't like things that are not clear. That If I ask you to go out with me it's just going out with no sub-texts or anything, but if I told you what I wanted from this night... well... It would've ruined the night and perhaps you wouldn't even have come here tonight!

I wanted to tell you that, July 14th started something I didn't even imagine. That day I only asked you for a photo, but that started a whole episode in my life that I can't push aside.

In September 30th, I sent you that first message of support, and we started talking every night because I sent you a message every day at the same time. It was like a fairytale for me. 

Then came our first meeting, oh-! That first meeting! Do you remember it? You spun me around by the waist like a princess. I felt like I was flying. Then we talked in a certain bench I love to sit in.

And then came the moment that changed me completely: You patted my head softly. Really softly as you listened to what I had to say. You re-booted my brain with that headpat you know? I started craving them more, and more. I think that's the moment I actually fell deep in your love.

But you probably don't want me to talk about the past, don't you?

Still, let me tell you a bit more. I wanted to see you more, to feel seen again. And I wanted to see you, to be with you, to be you, like one, like a Symbiote. I love venom btw-

I started small, with taking screenshots of things that interested you, or that could give me a clue on how you liked your women. Then I made a whole personality for you, a mail, three accounts, a blog, emotion crawling on my skin.

I almost went to the Linkin Park concert for you heheh

Then I started having dreams, right after the accident happened and we stopped talking. THese ddreams where you would love me in different spaces.

My usual delusion happens on my bed, you're holding me after dinner and we're talking lovingly as I'm in your arms. I love that one.

The thing is, I have brewed this love into the most perfect wine I'd love you to have. I want to be your girlfriend. Actually, no. I want to be your wife.

I want to love you when you're happy, when you're sad. I want to hold you in my arms and console you when you're down, I want to take care of you [REDACTED]. I want to be the love that you were waiting for. I want to be by your side in every occasion. I want you to be sincere with me so I can love you up everytime.

...But that's crazy. I know. You don't even know me, and I still don't know you that much either. So we could start small. I can handle being your girlfriend.

Obviously you don't have to answer me now-!! I'll give you time to think. Please try to answer me before the end of this month-

And that's where I'll get up, dust off my dress and ask him to take me home, so I can go back safely. I'll pretend to sleep on his shoulder while he's sitting next to me in the bus so I can be closer and then wake up, flustered and simply apologise.

That would be the perfect night.

Idealy, you'd say yes on the spot, but realisticly, you'll take a week or two to answer. On the meanwhile I'll be texting you like normal everyday.

Haah- I love you too much. But I love to love you, honey.

I hope you're reading this now. Have you realized who I am yet? Will you? Will you text me when you do? Do you see me in a nice light? Why haven't you answered to my special message for your Bday? I was very very sincere with you Darling. Why haven't you said something like- 

"Oh, thanks for the congrats. Thanks for remembering me"

OHHH LIKE- LIKE- That one time where you said something similar.

"It's nice of you to take me into consideration."

hahaahahhaaa, consideration. Consideration-? CONSIDERATION? DARLING, I'VE SPENT THE LAST YEAR AND A HALF FINDING MORE ABOUT YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, I'VE DREAMT OF US IN BED LOVINGLY, I DREAMT OF YOU HURTING ME MORE TIMES THAT I CAN SAY, YOU'RE THE ONLY THING ON MY MIND. I'M A STUPID MUTT WHO JUST CAN'T FORGET HER OWNER, WHO WANT THE LOVE OF HER OWNER, WHO WANT THE COLLAR OF HER OWNER, EVEN IF YOUR MEMORY IS A COLLAR OF HIS OWN, MAYBE EVEN SHACKLES AT THIS POINT. I WANT TO LEARN EVERYTHING YOU LIKE AND MAKE IT MINE. BECAUSE YOU'RE MINE AND I'M YOURS AND I LOVE YOU, AND THE OTHER DAY I SPENT TWENTY MINUTES CRYING BECAUSE YOU OFFERED A SINGLE DRAWING FROM A STUPID THING LIKE ENTERING A LINK AND I'VE THOUHT EVERY MESSAGE AND THOUGHT HOW TO BE NON-CHALANT BECAUSE WHEN I'M LIKE THAT YOU ANSWER ME. WHEN I TEXT YOU AS THE OTHER ONE, MOST OF THE TIME YOU DON'T ANSWER, BUT IF I'M MARLIE, THEN YOU ANSWER RIGHT AWAY WE CAN ACTUALLY CHAT AND EVEN THAT MAKES ME JEALOUS. I'M JEALOUS OF MYSELF, YOU UNDERSTAND HOW FUCKED UP THAT IS???? I DON'T HAVE YOU IN CONSIDERATION, YOU'RE MY LIFE [REDACTED] YOU'RE MY ONLY LOVE, MY RED STRING OF FATE I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU, PLEASE STAY WITH ME FOREVER, TIE ME UP IN YOUR DEPARTMENT AND HAVE ME THERE IN A CORNER, COME AND GIVE ME LOVE, GIVE ME HEAD PATS, LOVE ME, I'LL FEED YOU, I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU, I'D KILL MYSELF FOR YOU, I HAVE ALREADY SOLD MY SOUL AND MIND FOR YOU MY LOVE

I'm gonna do it. I'm going to carve your inicials in my thigh. I won't regret this. I'll be an actress with a loving mark on her. A mark that shows she's as loyal as they get. I love you [REDACTED] <3

Marlie Out <3!!!

ᴏᴡɴ ᴍʏ ᴍɪɴᴅ

Marlie here <3 !!

''𝙳𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚊 𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚖𝚢 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚍?''

-ᴍÅɴᴇꜱᴋɪɴ

why. JUST WHY.

It's the third night I've dreamt of [REDACTED] so vividly. He's usually with this girl he called 'love' and someone I end up picking his interest and talks to me, so sweetly. Just like the version of [REDACTED] that I love.

And usually I would love to think of him. I mean, he's the first and last thing on my mind everyday-

But I'm tired.  So tired. I want to love Heiwa. I already told y'all she's nice. But sometimes we clash. And she wants to call me everytime. And chat daily and sometimes I don't have the energy for that and she feels bad and so I feel bad because she feels bad and-

It's fucking draining.

But still, I try to thin of a future with her and not with [REDACTED] because I know that's the right thing to do. But I can't. I just can't.

He owns my mind and I don't even know why. Everyone tells me he's so ugly and others tell me I only like him because he has a good body, but I love his face and his voice, and the way he makes me feel.

I want to be owned by him. But at the same time I don't. I don't even know if he's into that!

He's not special. He's always late. He ignores me and leaves me in delivered. He has a lot of women gooning to him. He doesn't love me.

YET WHY DO I FEEL SO ATTACHED!?!?!?!??!?!??

I hate this. I want him to love me for me to love him back. 
I don't want to beg. (I really want to beg)

Did you guys know that I talk to him in three different ways on his anon q&a?? I always ask three different things and write in three different ways, also check that the time is spaced between every message.

I love to do that.

I love to see what he posts both on his stories and his status.

I love him. I wish I didn't.

Everything is so complicated...

Why did I had to fall for an older guy? a TWELVE YEARS OLDER guy. 

I don't even know him!!!!!!! (I would really love to, though)

I've been working on two characters that reflect us with our same inicials and everything, to draw them together <3

They have a puppy/master relationship at home on certain, specific times, but the rest of the time they go on cute romantic dates that have nothing to do with the kinky stuff, (although in my mind it's mostly dirty talk, not really kinky full puppy play-?) And the best part of this is that the character that represents me is closer to his age, so I don't feel bad by shipping them. They have so nice designs!

But I won't be showing it on here because I don't really like other people seeing my art, sorry-!

I think those are all the things I wanted to say today-

Nope, this is an edit: I just check and his rising sign is the same sign as my dad's... probably that's why I like him...

SECOND EDIT: HIS FIRST NAME IS ALSO THE SAME AS MY DAD'S SECOND NAME WTF-

 

Marlie Out <3!!!

ɪ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜ (actually, I don't-)

Marlie here <3!!

''𝙸  𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚗𝚍  𝙸'𝚖  𝚗𝚘𝚝  𝚝𝚑𝚎  𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚢  𝚘𝚗𝚎  𝚏𝚘𝚛  𝚢𝚘𝚞''

-ꜰᴀʏᴇ ᴡᴇʙꜱᴛᴇʀ

I don't... know? What to feel?

I've liked [REDACTED] since September of last year.

But today I felt really dissapointed.

I wasn't talking to him and suddenly we started kind of chatting again (?) And we arranged we would meet up in a con (yes, I didn't had to stalk him this time, which felt very good) Yet, he came in REAAAAALLY late. And I hate it. 

He always makes me wait. I know he lives far away from the cons thing, but man-

I'm a teenager and I can organize my times better than him, and he's much older than me...

Anyways. I thought he was coming alone. It seemed like it.

And when I finally spot him, after running around for a bit, I see him hitting some girl up, or that's what I thought.

My blood was boiling, but I tried to keep calm. I went running and hugged him really hard, he took me up in him arms and tried to spin me around, but we almost fell. Both of us. Which was really uncomfortable. Also, I think I hit him in the crotch with my jump, which didn't help-

Not only that, but this other person looked really disgusted at me, and I know this girl, I like her very much. So I greeted her too with a hug. 

And so he starts patting my head as always, really comforting, and my favorite part of our meetings. But he ignores me slightly.

He askes me what about the con and if I was enjoying it. (I wasn't)

And so I speak very weakly and look down at the ground, also my hands started to shake very badly, I was shaking very badly, and it was because of his presence. I get really nervous (in a good way) when he's around.

He keeps patting my head with a hand, but he starts ignoring me and talking to this girl, when I catch him calling her ''Love''. 

love? Love? LOVE?????? I'M YOUR LOVE YOU STUPID DUMBASS. I'M THE ONE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CARE FOR, WE TALKED ABOUT MEETING UP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MONTHS AND THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT ME? FUCK OFF.

Which is silly, because I always say I don't care if he has other people as long as he chooses me by the end of the day.

So, my mood kind of changed entirely.

I was completely pissed off and something broke in me. I think maybe a subconscious part of me tells me I'm never gonna be with him. Which made sad, which made me cry. I'm crying now, and was crying then

Why won't anything go my way?

I hate this. I swear I've done everything right up until now and still nothing good fucking happens. I'm so tired.

Anyways, he was talking to this other girl, telling her to go to another event, another con that was being held that same day. Although they had the decency to ask me if I wanted to come with them.

...i wish-

BUT I COULDN'TTTTTTTTT MY FATHER WOULD KILL ME AND IT WAS SO FAR AWAY AND AND UGHHHHHH

So they went to take the subway, the thing is that I didn't wanted to stay in the con either, so I went to the subway to go home.

BUT THEY APPEARED SECONDS AFTER---

And I got really nervous, because I had pulled out my phone to tweet on my subtwt account and I didn't wanted them checking what I was doing on my screen but I needed to vent SO badly...

I was holding back my tears all the trip back home. She sat next to me and started talking to him about something. I don't remember and don't care. I was trying to not cry and to concentrate on my music (that by the way was the playlist I made for him) And I realized I had to get off two stations before them.

Even as shitty as I was feeling, I knew I needed to stay. Maybe I could come and go with the same subway the other way to go home.

So I stayed, even if I wanted so desperately to get away from this fucking couple that was ruining my already shitty day.

NOTICE HOW I SAY THEM? IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE USSSS 

I hate this. I hate him for making me feel this way. I think he's playing with me. He only likes my attention, because I act like a puppy, happy with his arrival, willing to do anything for him. He likes how I worship him, with slight subtle things. 

God, he owns my mind. 

The only good thing about staying on the subway a little longer was that he patted my hand longer because he saw me a little under the weather <3. God, [REDACTED], I love you too much, Dear...

But besides that? I felt really bad and bawled my eyes out once they left the subway.

I still love him, but I felt something break. I don't know what it is, but that voice that always tells me he will be mine in the future is fading away, becoming more whispery.

I have this version of him in my mind that always compliments me, and tells me ''that's not the real me, I would never do that to you'' and that small, low voice does console me a bit nowadays.

I feel really sick towards him.

And then Heiwa asked me if I was okay because I had posted something about feeling bad on my whatsapp channel.

And I felt bad because I couldn't explain to her that I have this perverted obsession with someone who isn't her.

And I felt really really bad. Even more than in the afternoon where the thing with [REDACTED] and his ____ .

Why can't I love her truly? She's kind. She's the sun, a smile, a gentle breeze, caramel, sweet and sane. Non toxic for my body. A nice person.

(I'm not an asshole because I wasn't dating her while loving someone else. She came after. I already love and adored [REDACTED] when she appeared and became an online friend. Then I blurred out the line between a platonic and a romantic relationship because she became my favorite person, and now I feel uncomfortable being her girlfriend when I know I still love this other person. Although I don't want to break up because she's normal and sane, not like me with [REDACTED]. Besides I don't want to make her feel bad. I feel she'll be good for me, if I manage to stay with her and forget about [REDACTED]. She doesn't deserve someone like me. She deserves someone better, willing to love her forever and to marry her. But she already wants to marry me. And we are both underage... )

Why do I have to love and need a dumbass that probably doesn't love me and never will? I hate feeling chained to someone when it's not both ways.

I want to understand him like he understands me, but that isn't happening. I don't think I even understand half the shit he does-

I hate feeling and I hate feeling like this.

I want to cry.

I really want to cry.

Marlie Out <3 !!!

ɴᴏ ᴏɴᴇ ɴᴏᴛɪᴄᴇᴅ

Marlie Here <3 !!

''𝙽𝚘 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚖𝚢 𝚎𝚢𝚎𝚜. 𝙽𝚘 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞''

-The Marias

Oh my dear [REDACTED]. How I love you. My heart and body overflow with the obssesion, with the love, with the care I want to give you.

It's frustating.

Why can't everything be easy? Maybe because I really don't get you.

Not yet, at least.

I really want to, tho. I want to know you, so I can adore you properly

What?

What do I like about you? Oh gosh, where do I start???

Your perfect hair, that attitude, your habilities, your determination, your interests, your eyes (Those dark eyes that I want to light up, to paint with the very eyes of mine. Those eyes that peek through every mask you put up, that I want to take away to stare properlly at you, in the naked eye, no other thing that the truth.) your hands, your sense of fashion, your voice, your way of speaking, how you treat others, how you treat me, but not only that.

I love how you noticed me.

How you noticed everything of me, even things I didn't understand, you knew them. How I turn completely readable, transparent, honest with you. I love it. I miss it. But I miss you, overall. 

 I want to get to know you. Why you lied to me, saying you wouldn't come. But did anyways. How I wanted so desperately to believe everything you said. 

I want to know your thought process, I want to know your mind like you know mine. I want to be your main, I want you to need me, I want to be your wife, your pet, your favorite subject and the one that always runs through your mind. I don't care if other people try to get you, I want to know it is me you'll choose by the end of the day. 

 I imagine us, everyday I can. 

 You, tired from working on your socials, coming out of our room with a grumpy face. Me, greeting you with my most real smile, with some food you love, and massaging your back and neck, fixing your posture as you eat and kissing your neck up and down. 

 I imagine you talking to me about your videos, about the things you like, and I'm sitting across you, caressing your hand and paying attention to everything you say 

 I imagine you breaking down from every little pain in your life, past and present. Resting your head on my chest like a child, and me, caressing now your head. Telling you you're enough. That I love you, that everything it's going to be fine, that I'll help you think of ways of solving your problems, or just listening to them if you need to vent. 

 You hug me tighter by the waist as you bury your beautiful tearful face, so I can't see it, can't see you at your lowest, weak and vulnerable. 

I just kiss the top of your head and don't care how strong or weak you are. I care that is you. I just want you. 

See, I've never felt anything like the golden string that attracts me to you with anyone else, not even with Hochi. 

You're my one and only. I want to sit with you, I want to fuck with you, I want to laugh with you, Dress up with you, wake up every morning knowing it's you I'll see.  

But I'm scared. Too scared.

 Scared that you lied to me because I'm annoying. Because you may not want me around. Scared that maybe you're not what you pretend to be. Scared that you'll preffer your slut before me. That you'll love someone else before I get the courage. Scared that I'm throwing everything away, throwing my life away for someone who I don't know; trully. 

 Because, what if?

 What if you're a porn addict? What if you're not a kind soul? What if you're repulsed by me? (I mean, who wouldn't be...) What if you are not how I think you are? What if I idolized you and now I don't really know if I love you or the idea of loving you. 

 It hurts to be away from you. Every message is a sparkle in the sky of my eyes. Every photo a thump of my  heart, flowing life into my veins. Every fantasy, is a new world to explore, a new way to build the perfect-wife persona for you. Every touch, contact, is a shock of electricity that sends me to the most peaceful sleep.

I fucking love you. I wish I didn't.

I just realized, the problem was never about the person itself, but the age difference. My friends do love everything you've done for me, it's just that they follow morals, and society norms like I should.

But I don't want to. 

How could I want to?

This feels sweet in my throat. In my chest, in my body. I smile, I feel good around you. I know I'm mature enough to be by your side. I'm broken yes, that also makes me not understand those rules that were imposed. Who cares about experiences when we could talk about everything else? Interests, (I've adopted yours, Sweetheart. I'm trying to know everything you like to love it too) morals, or just cuddle with eachother? I want you with me. I feel that I'll be complete once again, if I get to date you, to be with you; to love you.

You're not a bad guy, you wouldn't hurt me. Wouldn't you?

You're everything that makes me live. I want to achieve everything with your praise by my side. With your soft caresses. The ones that calm my inner beast. The ones that always make me melt by your touch. I want you to think highly of me, like I do.

This is so wrong. I know. But I can't help it! I love you I love you I love you!!! I need you! I want you! but I can't have you... can I?

It's funny, cause not only I know you won't read this, but also, I know none of this is real and it's never gonna happen. It's just a small delusion that helps me though every day.

Just a small delusion that makes me happy. 

Just a small. A small something. 

Like myself. 

Do I really not understand things? I feel like I do  (said the mentally unstable person-) I like to think of myself like a really smart person. 

And a very compasionate one.

Oh, by the way, our signs match. They say we could be amazing. The queen and king of everything we propose ourselfs. Just saying :3

Marlie Out <3!!!

ɪᴛ'ꜱ ᴄᴀʟʟᴇᴅ: ꜰʀᴇᴇꜰᴀʟʟ

Marlie here <3!!

''𝚃𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝙸 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍𝚎𝚍, 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍𝚎𝚍 𝚊 𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚍 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚊𝚜 𝙸'𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗''

-ʀᴀɪɴʙᴏᴡ ᴋɪᴛᴛᴇɴ ꜱᴜʀᴘʀɪꜱᴇ

I hate friends. And my dad.

So, today I had this weird experience where I decided to make a gc with my group and a boy who's on my other classes. So we make the group and we talk and joke and it's all fine.

UNTIL, another friend texts me. Mr. Orange. And he's all like ''Heyyy, so like, I'm not on the second gc and I feel excluded. Could you talk with this other boy so he let's me in the gc?''

And I got a massive flashback and just said 'sure' and talked to this other boy. He was asleep at the time. Just something nice about adding this OTHER classmate from another class.

Now, let me explain.

We have this group in one class and it's called ''Prism''.

In this group (the original) we have Mr. Orange, Greenery and BlueShark.

In the new group we were four again: Greenery, BlueShark, me and this other boy without an alias.

So I talked about the situation with my dad and he sided with Mr. Orange, saying how he understand how he felt and that I was being a bad person and should apologize to Mr. Orange for lefting him out.

But like, he doesn't understand my point of view. Not only I didn't thought it would be a problem because it was like 'Class 1 friend group', 'Class 2 friend group' who just happened to match people

But I wans't being actively mean. I didn't mean to. I just didn't wanted to mix the friend groups because I had bad experiences in the past.

My last friend group got together because of me and then they got together and let me rot to a side. They excluded me in everything. I don't want this to happen again. I can't trust anyone.

At least not anymore. I know how random can people start to hate me, lol.

I preffer to just close up. I feel sad. I'm scared. I don't wanna talk about that. Gosh I'm crying right now-

Am I really an asshole? I know that if my friendgroup made a chat with someone else I wouldn't care because I just don't want new people to the group. But apparently people don't react like that-?

Ok. I guess. I'm sorry for being different and for having traumas (?)

I'm also pissed off that my dad didn't pick my side. I just to feel seen and understood.

See? This is why I can't keep friends. I'm just too sick and sickening. I don't want to harm anyone. I just want to feel alright. But somehow I never manage to make everyone comfortable. Most of the time, I feel liken I'm the problem. And perhaps I am but I can't see it.

I want to change, but how can I change something if I don't even know it exists, or how to change it? Am I really sickening or did I just believe what others have told me in the anger of the past?

My other friend group left me because someone got angry at me and didn't communicate it. Just spread bad things around my group and they believed it. Left me out. Behind. Alone. I hate alone.

I always felt alone. Ever since Hochi left me. We were one in the same. She hurt me. More thn once, but she was the first thing I've ever known. She was the one that showed me everything. The light, the dark; the pain, the pleasure; Friendship, romance; good and wrong. She created Marlie. That's why I have her color. Violet. I'm stuck in the same disgusting trauma cycle and I'm broken. Like her. Hochi was and will always, be my everything. She's the only thing I remember from childhood.

Her ghost, Hochi's ghost talks to me. I feel her perversed way of thinking eating my mind. I hope I'm not as awful as her with my current friendships.

I feel this gigantic hole inside of me. A black hole that absorbs every good feeling. Even when I'm with friends I feel alone. I feel empty. Empty inside. I try to exaggerate my faces and happy moods to just seem silly, but I don't feel much. just a passenger happiness that doesn't last long. I'm so tired. I want to sleep to a future with better moments. 

I get so burned out after school. From all the faking. I don't think I'm like Hochi. I try to not affect anyone. No one knows I'm this deep into numbness. Sometimes I wish someone, anybody knew, or could notice.

But at the same time I want to keep it a secret. Wouldn't want to bother anyone. I just want to pass by them with a smile and keep on fighting my things alone like always. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to trouble people. But I hate keeping it on the inside. 

I'm in constant battle inside of me. The one that wants to be noticed.   That wants warmth and acceptance. Someone to tell me how to think or solve some of the things that trouble me. I seek someone that holds me.

But at the same time, this other one that can manage theirself. Like always. I always have me, but for how much? how long can I play this game? I don't want help, but do I need it? People would only make me feel worse. They always make me feel worse. My dad, my friends, therapists-

In a way, I guess that makes me so fond of [REDACTED]

I've seen him. I read what he types. The videos he shares. I feel we are one in the same. I hope one day we can get to talk. I really want him. And want to love him. Talk to him.

I'm obsessed and I know it. But why? Perhaps something inside me knows that we would understand eachother perfectly. We could help eachother in this eternal darkness of numb feelings.

We would complement eachother. I love him.

Marlie Out <3 !!!

ꜰᴜᴄᴋ ʏᴏᴜ

 Marlie here <3!!

''𝙳𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚊 𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚕𝚎 𝚔𝚒𝚌𝚔 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚋𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚜𝚖𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚍?''

-ʟɪʟʏ ᴀʟʟᴇɴ

AUGHHHHHH I HATE THIS. I HATE IT HERE. I WANT TO MOVE OUT THIS GODDAMN FUCKING WHITE DEPARTMENT-

I was making a special paper for the letter I'm gonna write to my wife and like, I had painted it with coffee to make it more poetic and pretty. And since the paper was now wet, I placed it in a door that had like- a see-though material so it could dry and I could burn the edges of the paper later.

As you may not know, I'm currently living in an apartment with my grandma, my incell uncle-grandpa and my dad. And my uncle-grandpa is SUCH A BAD PERSON-

Not only is he a nazi and a racism, but he's also homo and transphobic and my dad is gay and trans... (    ´Α｀)\

Not only that, but he also hates theatre kids (which I am) and overall hates everything and everyone that isn't him.

It's impossible to live with him in the house, my eye started having twitches and all and I'm super stressed as well as my dad.

Anyway, I was letting the paper dry there and like- When I came back to the kitchen, the paper wasn't there. I fucking panicked. Like never before.

Searced the entire department except the two rooms (My grandma's and mine, which is being used by my incell uncle) 

After finding out there was no signs of the paper, I was FURIOUS. I couldn't cry tho. 

I made another sheet and placed it in the bathroom mirror I share with my granny and just let it there dry. I know she wouldn't touch any of my things because she actually cares about me.

I texted my wife and told her what happened and she said that she didn't care if this second design wasn't 'that pretty as the first one' as I said, she only cared that I made it and that I made it with love and dedication.

I luv her sm- (* ´ ▽ ` *)ﾉ

Heiwa my one and only wife forever.

We're gonna get married fr one day. We're already married (half-jokingly, but we have matching rings) 

Update: 

Today's morning I asked my grandma if she could ask her brother if she had seen a paper like the one I had dried overnight in her bathroom. (I don't even want to talk to him)

And guess what? He "saw it on the floor" and thought it was trash so he trew it away. IT WAS A PERFECT SHEET OF PAPER, TF-

And then he blamed me and said I should be more careful with my things?????

Like???

He threw it away. It's his fault. He shouldn't have touched something that wasn't his.

My grandma only asked him to ask the next time he saw something that wasn't his. 

I just want to smash his head against the glass where the sheet was drying.

Marlie out <3 !!!

ɴᴏʙᴏᴅʏ

Marlie here <3 !! (TW: mentions of purging)

"𝙸'𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚋𝚒𝚐 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚖𝚊𝚕𝚕 , 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚗𝚘𝚋𝚘𝚍𝚢 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚜 𝚖𝚎"

-ᴍɪᴛꜱᴋɪ

I wanna start this rant with a question: Why do people leave me?

Lately I've noticed that my very dear friend/wifey started talking to me less and less. And I've gotten more anxious about it...

Like, at first she sent me about 47 tiktoks a day and I would answer to alllllll of them because I love her (I don't do this with anybody else, she's the only one I don't ignore) and we would chat a lot every day, every moment, every hour and now I feel she's slipping away from my touch

I cracked my head trying to think what did I did wrong. Maybe I didn’t see one video? Maybe I didn't answer on time? (She did say that didn't bothered her at all tho, but she could be lying) but I couldn't find nothing that would point to me doing something bad.

I'm honestly really scared of confronting her about this. What if this is the breaking point that make us fall apart?

What are we gonna do with our rolplay characters and stories? Who am I gonna spend the evening with? Who am I gonna tell my stupid ahh jokes?

I feel really bad honestly. I want to puke my feelings away, but I'm afraid of purging food ( ＞Д＜；)

I've been talking to Cube about similar themes. He's been going through similar experiences (although he's more uhhh violent-?? Angry-? About his situation.  More defensive. I'm really weak emotionally even though I try to seem strong)

It's not my first time being abandoned though. That's why I'm scared. Because I know the symptoms and how being replaced starts.

I know I've been in Heiwa's life for a short time (about three months) but I really cherish her. I love her. I want to make her happy, to be her loyal puppy, the one she confides in.

It's probably my fault tho that she's drawing away. I've been really depressed lately and can't seem to make me do anything related to people, or something that doesn't involve using my phone.

I want to rip my skin off. This thing has me very anxious as I previously stated. (´Д` )

She's the first one that I feel that really loves me for me and not my body, that she LOVES me. Doesn't lust over my curves and pieces of fat on my chest.

I love my girl Heiwa (o´д｀o)

Marlie Out <3!!!