ɪᴛ'ꜱ ᴄᴀʟʟᴇᴅ: ꜰʀᴇᴇꜰᴀʟʟ

Marlie here <3!!

''𝚃𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝙸 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍𝚎𝚍, 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍𝚎𝚍 𝚊 𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚍 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚊𝚜 𝙸'𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗''

-ʀᴀɪɴʙᴏᴡ ᴋɪᴛᴛᴇɴ ꜱᴜʀᴘʀɪꜱᴇ

I hate friends. And my dad.

So, today I had this weird experience where I decided to make a gc with my group and a boy who's on my other classes. So we make the group and we talk and joke and it's all fine.

UNTIL, another friend texts me. Mr. Orange. And he's all like ''Heyyy, so like, I'm not on the second gc and I feel excluded. Could you talk with this other boy so he let's me in the gc?''

And I got a massive flashback and just said 'sure' and talked to this other boy. He was asleep at the time. Just something nice about adding this OTHER classmate from another class.

Now, let me explain.

We have this group in one class and it's called ''Prism''.

In this group (the original) we have Mr. Orange, Greenery and BlueShark.

In the new group we were four again: Greenery, BlueShark, me and this other boy without an alias.

So I talked about the situation with my dad and he sided with Mr. Orange, saying how he understand how he felt and that I was being a bad person and should apologize to Mr. Orange for lefting him out.

But like, he doesn't understand my point of view. Not only I didn't thought it would be a problem because it was like 'Class 1 friend group', 'Class 2 friend group' who just happened to match people

But I wans't being actively mean. I didn't mean to. I just didn't wanted to mix the friend groups because I had bad experiences in the past.

My last friend group got together because of me and then they got together and let me rot to a side. They excluded me in everything. I don't want this to happen again. I can't trust anyone.

At least not anymore. I know how random can people start to hate me, lol.

I preffer to just close up. I feel sad. I'm scared. I don't wanna talk about that. Gosh I'm crying right now-

Am I really an asshole? I know that if my friendgroup made a chat with someone else I wouldn't care because I just don't want new people to the group. But apparently people don't react like that-?

Ok. I guess. I'm sorry for being different and for having traumas (?)

I'm also pissed off that my dad didn't pick my side. I just to feel seen and understood.

See? This is why I can't keep friends. I'm just too sick and sickening. I don't want to harm anyone. I just want to feel alright. But somehow I never manage to make everyone comfortable. Most of the time, I feel liken I'm the problem. And perhaps I am but I can't see it.

I want to change, but how can I change something if I don't even know it exists, or how to change it? Am I really sickening or did I just believe what others have told me in the anger of the past?

My other friend group left me because someone got angry at me and didn't communicate it. Just spread bad things around my group and they believed it. Left me out. Behind. Alone. I hate alone.

I always felt alone. Ever since Hochi left me. We were one in the same. She hurt me. More thn once, but she was the first thing I've ever known. She was the one that showed me everything. The light, the dark; the pain, the pleasure; Friendship, romance; good and wrong. She created Marlie. That's why I have her color. Violet. I'm stuck in the same disgusting trauma cycle and I'm broken. Like her. Hochi was and will always, be my everything. She's the only thing I remember from childhood.

Her ghost, Hochi's ghost talks to me. I feel her perversed way of thinking eating my mind. I hope I'm not as awful as her with my current friendships.

I feel this gigantic hole inside of me. A black hole that absorbs every good feeling. Even when I'm with friends I feel alone. I feel empty. Empty inside. I try to exaggerate my faces and happy moods to just seem silly, but I don't feel much. just a passenger happiness that doesn't last long. I'm so tired. I want to sleep to a future with better moments. 

I get so burned out after school. From all the faking. I don't think I'm like Hochi. I try to not affect anyone. No one knows I'm this deep into numbness. Sometimes I wish someone, anybody knew, or could notice.

But at the same time I want to keep it a secret. Wouldn't want to bother anyone. I just want to pass by them with a smile and keep on fighting my things alone like always. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to trouble people. But I hate keeping it on the inside. 

I'm in constant battle inside of me. The one that wants to be noticed.   That wants warmth and acceptance. Someone to tell me how to think or solve some of the things that trouble me. I seek someone that holds me.

But at the same time, this other one that can manage theirself. Like always. I always have me, but for how much? how long can I play this game? I don't want help, but do I need it? People would only make me feel worse. They always make me feel worse. My dad, my friends, therapists-

In a way, I guess that makes me so fond of [REDACTED]

I've seen him. I read what he types. The videos he shares. I feel we are one in the same. I hope one day we can get to talk. I really want him. And want to love him. Talk to him.

I'm obsessed and I know it. But why? Perhaps something inside me knows that we would understand eachother perfectly. We could help eachother in this eternal darkness of numb feelings.

We would complement eachother. I love him.

Marlie Out <3 !!!

ᴡᴀᴛᴇʀᴍᴇʟᴏɴ

 Marlie here <3!!

''𝙵𝚞𝚌𝚔 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖, 𝚏𝚞𝚌𝚔 𝚎𝚖 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚞𝚜''

-ᴊᴏʜɴ + ᴊᴀɴᴇ Q. ʀᴇᴘᴜʙʟɪᴄ

hehehhehehehehehehehhhehehehheheheh

Gosh, I'm so in love with [REDACTED] 

I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIMMM

I've been sending anon things as if I were three different people

I don't think he's suspecting anything fufufu~♡

I love taking screenshots of everything he responds to me on his anon questions of instagram stories. Or anything that'll hint what type of people he likes. (I'd like to become that perfect person for him. After all, I AM a Ren kinnie iykyk)

Mind, the other day I made FOUR different 'What type of dere am I' and in ALL of them I got yandere. ( ´Д`)ノ

Even though I won't kill for him because I am kinda dumb and can't even kill myself, I still think it. regularily. I would love to kill his dumbass ex. She makes me really jealous.

I watch his stories everyday to get as much information about him. I even record videos of his videos to have them in his personal folder!!

That's how I know his steam user, his tiktok user, and his alias to send him money

I have most of his information on a .txt file and I try to update it as much as I can.

Who are his fictional waifus, who he relates to, games he likes, food he likes, his sign, birthdate, what he studies, where and how does he work and I even make some tarot readings of our future together regularly!

I'm a big fan of his, we could say hehe (*ゝω･*)~

I wish sometime in the future I could talk to him again. I was thinking maybe I could use his services some day. Just to have another excuse to talk to him. What do y'all think?

Or I could be part of his hobby and maybe appear on some posts (He's a content creator)...

GYAAAA I'M SO EXCITEDDD!! (*≧∇≦)ﾉ

 I have so much ideas on what to do with him. What to say to him.

And like, of course I love my wifey Heiwa. But this love is- something more sickly sweet

I kinda like being obsessed. Being this intense with burning flame of the wrong thing. I'm perfect in most ways, maybe this has to be my weak point. (is it really a bad thing? To have someone who wouldn't leave your side if you decided to be with them? I don't think so) Feeling like this keeps me alive.

AAAAA I WANT TO BE ABLE TO CHAT WITH HIM AGAAAIN ( ＞Д＜；)

Did you guys know I'm going to see him? On the next convention I go, I'll try to look for him. And admire from a certain distance. Maybe take some photos for my personal album. I know he's attending, so is only a matter of finding him in the crowd. And besides, these events aren't really crowded so like, that's nice. VERY nice. I'm sure I'll find him, but I'll keep you guys updated, ok <3?

Marlie out <3 !!!

ꜰᴜᴄᴋ ʏᴏᴜ

 Marlie here <3!!

''𝙳𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚊 𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚕𝚎 𝚔𝚒𝚌𝚔 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚋𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚜𝚖𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚍?''

-ʟɪʟʏ ᴀʟʟᴇɴ

AUGHHHHHH I HATE THIS. I HATE IT HERE. I WANT TO MOVE OUT THIS GODDAMN FUCKING WHITE DEPARTMENT-

I was making a special paper for the letter I'm gonna write to my wife and like, I had painted it with coffee to make it more poetic and pretty. And since the paper was now wet, I placed it in a door that had like- a see-though material so it could dry and I could burn the edges of the paper later.

As you may not know, I'm currently living in an apartment with my grandma, my incell uncle-grandpa and my dad. And my uncle-grandpa is SUCH A BAD PERSON-

Not only is he a nazi and a racism, but he's also homo and transphobic and my dad is gay and trans... (    ´Α｀)\

Not only that, but he also hates theatre kids (which I am) and overall hates everything and everyone that isn't him.

It's impossible to live with him in the house, my eye started having twitches and all and I'm super stressed as well as my dad.

Anyway, I was letting the paper dry there and like- When I came back to the kitchen, the paper wasn't there. I fucking panicked. Like never before.

Searced the entire department except the two rooms (My grandma's and mine, which is being used by my incell uncle) 

After finding out there was no signs of the paper, I was FURIOUS. I couldn't cry tho. 

I made another sheet and placed it in the bathroom mirror I share with my granny and just let it there dry. I know she wouldn't touch any of my things because she actually cares about me.

I texted my wife and told her what happened and she said that she didn't care if this second design wasn't 'that pretty as the first one' as I said, she only cared that I made it and that I made it with love and dedication.

I luv her sm- (* ´ ▽ ` *)ﾉ

Heiwa my one and only wife forever.

We're gonna get married fr one day. We're already married (half-jokingly, but we have matching rings) 

Update: 

Today's morning I asked my grandma if she could ask her brother if she had seen a paper like the one I had dried overnight in her bathroom. (I don't even want to talk to him)

And guess what? He "saw it on the floor" and thought it was trash so he trew it away. IT WAS A PERFECT SHEET OF PAPER, TF-

And then he blamed me and said I should be more careful with my things?????

Like???

He threw it away. It's his fault. He shouldn't have touched something that wasn't his.

My grandma only asked him to ask the next time he saw something that wasn't his. 

I just want to smash his head against the glass where the sheet was drying.

Marlie out <3 !!!

ɴᴏʙᴏᴅʏ

Marlie here <3 !! (TW: mentions of purging)

"𝙸'𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚋𝚒𝚐 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚖𝚊𝚕𝚕 , 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚗𝚘𝚋𝚘𝚍𝚢 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚜 𝚖𝚎"

-ᴍɪᴛꜱᴋɪ

I wanna start this rant with a question: Why do people leave me?

Lately I've noticed that my very dear friend/wifey started talking to me less and less. And I've gotten more anxious about it...

Like, at first she sent me about 47 tiktoks a day and I would answer to alllllll of them because I love her (I don't do this with anybody else, she's the only one I don't ignore) and we would chat a lot every day, every moment, every hour and now I feel she's slipping away from my touch

I cracked my head trying to think what did I did wrong. Maybe I didn’t see one video? Maybe I didn't answer on time? (She did say that didn't bothered her at all tho, but she could be lying) but I couldn't find nothing that would point to me doing something bad.

I'm honestly really scared of confronting her about this. What if this is the breaking point that make us fall apart?

What are we gonna do with our rolplay characters and stories? Who am I gonna spend the evening with? Who am I gonna tell my stupid ahh jokes?

I feel really bad honestly. I want to puke my feelings away, but I'm afraid of purging food ( ＞Д＜；)

I've been talking to Cube about similar themes. He's been going through similar experiences (although he's more uhhh violent-?? Angry-? About his situation.  More defensive. I'm really weak emotionally even though I try to seem strong)

It's not my first time being abandoned though. That's why I'm scared. Because I know the symptoms and how being replaced starts.

I know I've been in Heiwa's life for a short time (about three months) but I really cherish her. I love her. I want to make her happy, to be her loyal puppy, the one she confides in.

It's probably my fault tho that she's drawing away. I've been really depressed lately and can't seem to make me do anything related to people, or something that doesn't involve using my phone.

I want to rip my skin off. This thing has me very anxious as I previously stated. (´Д` )

She's the first one that I feel that really loves me for me and not my body, that she LOVES me. Doesn't lust over my curves and pieces of fat on my chest.

I love my girl Heiwa (o´д｀o)

Marlie Out <3!!!