''𝙸 𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙸'𝚖 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚢 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞''
-ꜰᴀʏᴇ ᴡᴇʙꜱᴛᴇʀ
I don't... know? What to feel?
I've liked [REDACTED] since September of last year.
But today I felt really dissapointed.
I wasn't talking to him and suddenly we started kind of chatting again (?) And we arranged we would meet up in a con (yes, I didn't had to stalk him this time, which felt very good) Yet, he came in REAAAAALLY late. And I hate it.
He always makes me wait. I know he lives far away from the cons thing, but man-
I'm a teenager and I can organize my times better than him, and he's much older than me...
I'm a teenager and I can organize my times better than him, and he's much older than me...
Anyways. I thought he was coming alone. It seemed like it.
And when I finally spot him, after running around for a bit, I see him hitting some girl up, or that's what I thought.
My blood was boiling, but I tried to keep calm. I went running and hugged him really hard, he took me up in him arms and tried to spin me around, but we almost fell. Both of us. Which was really uncomfortable. Also, I think I hit him in the crotch with my jump, which didn't help-
Not only that, but this other person looked really disgusted at me, and I know this girl, I like her very much. So I greeted her too with a hug.
And so he starts patting my head as always, really comforting, and my favorite part of our meetings. But he ignores me slightly.
He askes me what about the con and if I was enjoying it. (I wasn't)
And so I speak very weakly and look down at the ground, also my hands started to shake very badly, I was shaking very badly, and it was because of his presence. I get really nervous (in a good way) when he's around.
He keeps patting my head with a hand, but he starts ignoring me and talking to this girl, when I catch him calling her ''Love''.
love? Love? LOVE?????? I'M YOUR LOVE YOU STUPID DUMBASS. I'M THE ONE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CARE FOR, WE TALKED ABOUT MEETING UP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MONTHS AND THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT ME? FUCK OFF.
Which is silly, because I always say I don't care if he has other people as long as he chooses me by the end of the day.
So, my mood kind of changed entirely.
I was completely pissed off and something broke in me. I think maybe a subconscious part of me tells me I'm never gonna be with him. Which made sad, which made me cry. I'm crying now, and was crying then
Why won't anything go my way?
I hate this. I swear I've done everything right up until now and still nothing good fucking happens. I'm so tired.
Anyways, he was talking to this other girl, telling her to go to another event, another con that was being held that same day. Although they had the decency to ask me if I wanted to come with them.
...i wish-
BUT I COULDN'TTTTTTTTT MY FATHER WOULD KILL ME AND IT WAS SO FAR AWAY AND AND UGHHHHHH
So they went to take the subway, the thing is that I didn't wanted to stay in the con either, so I went to the subway to go home.
BUT THEY APPEARED SECONDS AFTER---
And I got really nervous, because I had pulled out my phone to tweet on my subtwt account and I didn't wanted them checking what I was doing on my screen but I needed to vent SO badly...
I was holding back my tears all the trip back home. She sat next to me and started talking to him about something. I don't remember and don't care. I was trying to not cry and to concentrate on my music (that by the way was the playlist I made for him) And I realized I had to get off two stations before them.
Even as shitty as I was feeling, I knew I needed to stay. Maybe I could come and go with the same subway the other way to go home.
So I stayed, even if I wanted so desperately to get away from this fucking couple that was ruining my already shitty day.
NOTICE HOW I SAY THEM? IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE USSSS
I hate this. I hate him for making me feel this way. I think he's playing with me. He only likes my attention, because I act like a puppy, happy with his arrival, willing to do anything for him. He likes how I worship him, with slight subtle things.
God, he owns my mind.
The only good thing about staying on the subway a little longer was that he patted my hand longer because he saw me a little under the weather <3. God, [REDACTED], I love you too much, Dear...
But besides that? I felt really bad and bawled my eyes out once they left the subway.
I still love him, but I felt something break. I don't know what it is, but that voice that always tells me he will be mine in the future is fading away, becoming more whispery.
I have this version of him in my mind that always compliments me, and tells me ''that's not the real me, I would never do that to you'' and that small, low voice does console me a bit nowadays.
I feel really sick towards him.
And then Heiwa asked me if I was okay because I had posted something about feeling bad on my whatsapp channel.
And I felt bad because I couldn't explain to her that I have this perverted obsession with someone who isn't her.
And I felt really really bad. Even more than in the afternoon where the thing with [REDACTED] and his ____ .
Why can't I love her truly? She's kind. She's the sun, a smile, a gentle breeze, caramel, sweet and sane. Non toxic for my body. A nice person.
(I'm not an asshole because I wasn't dating her while loving someone else. She came after. I already love and adored [REDACTED] when she appeared and became an online friend. Then I blurred out the line between a platonic and a romantic relationship because she became my favorite person, and now I feel uncomfortable being her girlfriend when I know I still love this other person. Although I don't want to break up because she's normal and sane, not like me with [REDACTED]. Besides I don't want to make her feel bad. I feel she'll be good for me, if I manage to stay with her and forget about [REDACTED]. She doesn't deserve someone like me. She deserves someone better, willing to love her forever and to marry her. But she already wants to marry me. And we are both underage... )
Why do I have to love and need a dumbass that probably doesn't love me and never will? I hate feeling chained to someone when it's not both ways.
I want to understand him like he understands me, but that isn't happening. I don't think I even understand half the shit he does-
I hate feeling and I hate feeling like this.
I want to cry.
I really want to cry.
Marlie Out <3 !!!
