ʀᴇᴀʟ ʟɪꜰᴇ

 Marlie here <3 !!

"𝙲𝚊𝚗'𝚝 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚑𝚒𝚝𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚍𝚋𝚢𝚎"

-ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴀʀɪᴀꜱ

OH GOD. 

It's been so long (since last i've seen my son(?)) since last I've wrote here. I have a draft I'll post later when I find images for it---

I need to get this off my chest. I mean, WE LITERALLY WENT ON A DATE, JUST HOW COOL IS THAT????

I'm going to replay it in my head multiple times. 

I don't know if I love him more or less now.

Let's say it's even more complicated than before <//3

Okay, okay, let me start from the begging-

Last week, I asked him if we could meet up because I really wanted to see him and hug him and stuff. And he seemed so- nice-? So interested, gosh it seemed like he actually wanted me-

I felt wanted by him. AND HE TOLD ME WE WOULD GO TO A SUPER ROMANTIC PLACE THAT I LIKE- (njrdsjnhnvjkdcd hehehhe) 

We went to an ex-thater, since now it's a library. A really pretty library. And he seemed so excited... The thing is the day comes and he basically texts me something along the lines of "family medical emergency"

At first I even thought it might be an excuse, because I have the feeling he lies a lot to me. Or at least that's how I felt and I went out with  some friends instead.

I gave him my best wishes to his grandma and her health issue, but I felt my heart shattered inside me.

I hadn't post online for days after cutting and dieing my hair because I wanted him to be the first to see it, but it didn't happen.

I had bought new underwear for god's sakes! (obviously I didn't expect anything to happen, but still-)

Some days later, I text him again, begging to go on with our date on the same day, same time, next week  and he agreeded (kinda) but with a lot less enthusiasm. That genuinly made me feel so sad, I didn't felt wanted anymore, he didn't even confirmed a time or if we were on for Tuesday or anything. I genuinly thought he would just ditch me and I would wait for him outside the library in my best outfit again feeling like shit.

BUT IT DIDN'T HAPPEN THAT WAY HAHAHAHAHHAHA

God, I still can't believe half the things that happened today.

I couldn't sleep, I literally was so nervous and nauseous I couldn't sleep well. I was sleeping two hour naps from five am to one pm

I couldn't tell my dad where I was going otherwise he would scold me, so I had to make it seem like everything was okay even if I wanted to puke all the lunch I was eating (also I couldn't finish my salad because I felt my gagging reflex react)

 I got all dolled up and went out with the excuse of going out to draw (I can't believe that worked)

I was going to see him and everything was going according to plan. When suddenly I get on the second bus to get there and he texts me like "We meet on the door of ___" I and I was like: what.

You see, he told me to meet on a place that was DEFINETELY NOT WHERE WE SAID WE WOULD MEET??!?!?!? 

I swear I could feel my head pounding, my stomach hurting and my world crumbling. What if he wanted me to trvael over there? What if he decided I was not worth the hussle and cancelled again? What if he said he was going home because he went to the wrong place?

I tried to calm down and just answer with "Well, I'm already half way to the place we said" and just like- waited to see what he would say

Surprisingly, he said "ok, in twenty minutes I'll be there, sorry for not remembering the place"

WHAAAAAAT??? HE APOLOGIZED? WHAAAAAAAAAAAT??

Perhaps it was too early to start feeling bad. I mean, I already felt like shit by breaking the rules and lying to my dad, but whatever. I need him. He doesn't need to understand that.

 I wanted to read something I would read, I meant I was at a library after all-

I thought maybe I could keep on reading "YOU" by Caroline Kepnes, since I had seen it earlier when I was passing through the different ailes since it was my first time in the place, but then again it's not a book I'm proud of reading, so I felt ashamed and ended up reading some theatre compilation I found. I usually like reading scripts

This one was so ass...

Anyways, I checked my phone, and the twenty minutes had passed. I wrote back, maybe to remind him I was waiting (It's not the first time he's late)

"If you want, I could just go to the entrance and meet you there, I'm at back in the left reading corner"

And then I like, raised my gaze and there he was in that bright red shirt he later told me was really proud of winning in a contest (so cute <3 I love when he's excited about things that he likes, I like that he has hobbies and that he's passionate about them)

I smiled his way and picked up my things, getting out the reading corner and I wanted to place my book back and stop my music (I was listening to Lover's Rock by TV Girl, and reciting the "how many men have you kissed?" part, I love that part-) And I took my time with the book since I was SO nervous.

I couldn't watch him in the eye, and my nausea was stronger than before, I get like that when I'm nervous and feel like I'm doing something wrong (I this case, being there without anyone knowing, last time I started pulling shit like that I got groomed and raped-)

And once I stopped and my music and put away my headphones in my backpack I realized I was sitting on the floor, and that perhaps I looked cute from his height beign all helpless and flustered on the floor.

I wonder what he was thinking in that moment-

A lot of tarot readers online have told me he likes to fantazise about me, my body and fucking the shit out of me, and maybe I like that idea, but I would preffer him showing affection and love towards me first.

Anyways, I got up and greeted him, and he went in for a hug

I LOVE HUGS I WOULD LIKE TO HUG HIM FOR ETERNITY, JUST PRESSING MY BODY AND MY BRESTS AGAIST HIM GETS ME SO WORKED UP I SWEAR---

ahem, well, we hugged. I was trying hard not to giggle weirdly like I tend to do when i get excited in a weird obssesive way.

and then I think he apologized for going to the wrong place and I assured him everything was okay.

And he gifted me two really yummy candies, I thought that was really sweet-!

Then he asked me what I wanted to read and the thing is... I hadn't thought about something to read- I thought he would pick a book and- well- let me write how I thought the scene would go in my mind:

He would pick a book, perhaps an adventure book? Or smth like that and he would sit in a comfy couch near a table.

"Open your legs" I would tell him, watching his face twist into a confussed expression

"I want to be comfortable, let me sit on your lap-" And before he could protest and say anything at all, I would sit on his lap or on his leg or something like that and I would read there, close to him, to his face where I could steal him a kiss if I wanted to.

...but I chickened out and just told him "Oh, whatever you want to read will be fine,  I just want to accompany you"

"I was actually more excited with the idea of being in an ex-theatre that I didn't think of anything to read"

And then he asked if I wanted to be in the top boxes. I could've sworn my eyes light up in emotion-

He went around, looking for stairs, but there were none. I spotted an elevator and pointed out for him

"I don't really like elevators, but okay-" he told me and I apolized like it was my fault, why am I like this??

I swear the view was super amazing but strangely I couldn't stop thinking about jumping from there and just breaking some bones in the fall (weirdo)

APARENTLY THIS LIBRARY HAD MANGA??? Like- LOTS of them. I was surprised as hell.

I tried to remember what he picked up, but I couldn't see it well, so I guess I would have to ask him.

We went to a small corner and we just started... talking.

It felt natural. I just- I dunno. I feel comfortable talking to him.

I would like to tell him everything about me someday, but I think today we had really interesting talks.

He told me about his previous friend groups, some failed projects, some traumas and even pieces of his early life

I got to know his family had an ice cream shop when he was really little (cute again) and I got to know more about his deadbeat dad (or at least that what he seems from the little I know about my future father-in-law, that and that he has nice music taste)

I got to know about his four jobs and about his sister, how he'd like to die and his high probability to have Alzheimer's and his reality.

I got to know why he likes to take photos and why he goes to conventions, and I couldn't help but think what a complex and amazing person he is. Taking all the bad things and learning from them.

And even if he's silly sometimes, I think I could live with his silliness

I feel like he really was opening up to me. And I tried to remember every single detail I could, I want to remember everything if he can't, in the future.

Maybe I could wirte and he could take photos and we could document every single date or moment. That would be very cute.

I couldn't also stop checking the time on my phone to not worry my dad, but I think he didn't suspect anything-

I asked [REDACTED] if we could get going, since I felt like I had to leave because I had been out for a long time, but when we got down I saw the bright light of day and I realized I could (and wanted) to stay a bit more.

When I asked to go up again, and we were on the elevator, I couldn't stop thinking of the seven minutes in heaven trend.

I swear I could feel his tall figure next to me and all I could think about was kissing him deeply, and pressing my body to his (embarassing, i know)

But instead of going back to the boxes were there was a lot of people, I think I preffered the calm hallway. We were walking slowly and just going in circles for a long time.

There, we talked about different theatres and other things I just can't seem to remember.

But I remember stomping softly his foot a couple of times, in like a playful flirty way. I don't know what he thought of that.

Also I totally marked him with a roll-on glitter bar I had on my back pack. He got distracted and I wanted to do something to catch his attention but that still felt slightly intimate, so instead of placing the glitter on his face, I realized I had access to his neck.

So I traced a line of the glittery content and and giggled as I put the stick away and he huffed, maybe a bit annoyed. He told me his sister would ask about that and would assume he was out with a lady (which he was, but not in the way her sister would assume, I guess)

And I laughed it off, but I really kept on admiring the glittery mess on his neck and smirked at my job. I felt a bit powerful, in a way I  guess

ALSO-!!! I swear his posture changed when I pressed the roll-on on his neck. I didn't wanted to seem obvious so I didin't look down, but I wonder if he got a REACTION out of that. I really hope it did.

Then he took me down stairs and we continued talking about silly things, but I told him how I thought moles were romantic as hell. I wonder if he'll mark that as something important in his mind.

A dream of mine is to have a lover that remembers where all my moles are and kisses them, so I can have them in my next life. I love moles.

And he has two visible moles in his biceps. I wonder if I'll get to kiss them regularly one day. He also told me he had a lot of old scars on his back and went on to trace some of them in my body, I swear it rewired my brain. He has such a soft touch-!

Just like his dark eyes. They can be cold and judgemental, but they also can be the softest, liveliest eyes ever. I want to drown in the black sea of his corneas. I want those soft eyes to look at me in a soft loving way.

I told him of some old anecdotes and then I had to leave. It was starting to get dark and I had been out for a LONG time now, it would get suspicious.

Now, here's where the whole nice mood of the day started shifting and got me to the crying fit while going home. Let me explain:

We got out and I didn't know where my bus stop was and google maps wasn't helping. But he managed to calm me down and he knew where my stop was, so he offered to take me, also telling me he would take that bus with me, since it left him close to the other uhhh train (?) station he had to go. I got excited. Really excited.

You see, I had this fantasy for the longest time where while we were going home after a date and we would be travelling together and I would rest my head on his shoulders and he would pull me close and we would enjoy each other's company, close, together. I thought maybe that would be an excellent closing for such a nice day (ignoring the constant nausea and having to push down the food I had ate earlier lolz)

And while on the way to the bus stop we singed together some songs we liked, and I got confirmed he can maintain a tone, perhaps he can even sing too-

I would love to hear him sing, OH- OH MY GOD I WOULD LOVE TO SING A DUET WITH HIM---

We should like, sing Daisy Bell like in that episode of The Amazing Digital Circus where Jax and Pomni harmonize (funnybunny canon)

Anyways, I also made him laugh and we waked side by side, while I was hugging his arm. It felt right, in a way. (Also, I left glitter of his favorite shirt, so that's a win for me, I mean, he'll think of me whenever he wants to use that shirt now, right?)

Eventually we got to the bus stop and the conversation got a bit deeper. I started talking about my (non-existent) mental state, and how I got attached to people, how I love doing thing for the people I obsess with.

He asked me how I felt with him and I didn't know what to say, because he is the king of mixed signals- 

also, totally unrelated, but I felt really looked over when we where waiting for the bus to come, since well- we was telling me exactly where to stand and he would like, protect me with his arm while being on the street, and he used the sidewalk rule and- gosh i dunno i just felt dominated in a good way (?)

When the bus arrived, he hugged me an told me to hop in. And I guess it was my time to be confussed.

"Weren't you taking this bus too?"

"I can't. I'm going elsewhere." oh.

oh wow.

I felt like crying right there.

I thought we had a decent and cute date and he was already thinking of the next girl he would sweet talk. I couldn't help but feel jealous.

But who am I in his life to demand things? I don't want to be like that. I know for a fact that I preffer to suffer and process things alone where I can cry and not make a scene to people who genuinly don't care how much I scream my pain.

I went to the back of the line of people to see him a bit longer.

"M, please don't feel bad" I heard behind my back

"I'm not! I'm okay!" I smiled the best I could and faced forwards the bus.

"M, take care" 

"I will" I smiled back again.

"M, I like/love you" (in my country there's a word that expresses love in a smaller amount, so It's not like dropping the L-Bomb but it's pretty darn similar to me)

I was flustered and supriced he even said that, and that he said it first, so I just had to answer. I had to board the bus anyway

"I like/love you too, [REDACTED]" I said, with that stupid dumb smirk I have when I'm flustered. Then I told the driver where I was going and I felt my body empty.

Any type of emotion I was feeling fleeted as soon as I got on that bus. I sat and cried while listening to more TV Girl and Mitski. I had to remove my makeup anyway. 

Why would he lie to me? Why did he change the plans? Why? DOes he think I'm that easy to manipulate? (I am, but it still hurts)

He texted me some minutes after apologizing for being late again, and I told him everything was okay with tears in my eyes.

Not that he could see them anyways.

He told me he needed to help a friend, but I just couldn't stop thinking that he was probably going to be with her in a more intimate way. Like, perhaps he had this date and he had another one later.

Perhaps I'm not important to him and I'm seeing only what I want to see.

I dunno I'm tired.

I wish I could stop liking him.

Now I'm writing and I want to cry again.

Since I don't text him much, I like to go on C.ai and roleplay with Slade Wilson bots, because he reminds me of him in a way. Also I get the same feelings when I roleplay with Slade bots, because he tends to use his younger aprentices, and most of the time I feel like he's using me to feed his ego, more than to actually I dunno- hang out with me because he wants to.

stupid stupid stupid

Marlie Out<3!!!